I have a thing for my boyfriends friend

Hey I'm 18f and I have a huge crush on my boyfriends (m17) friend (m17?) . I know it seems like a small thing. This post is going to be kinda everywhere. I can't keep a straight timeline so I'm sorry.

So I feel like a piece of human shit for it. Like Its accually eating me from the inside out. I've never been the type to physically cheat but when me and my boyfriend I'll call him james got together when I was 16 he was a rebound from my creepy online relationship. I ended up telling my ex for the first 5 months how much I wish they liked me more and how I still had feelings for them. I endvenuslly told my boyfriend and let him see EVERYTHING. The ex blocked me before cause he was so uncomfortable and obviously didn't support cheating. And James pushed to continue the relationship despite the massive trust issues formed from this.

Me and James started from my school before my aunt moved me to another city then we became long distance. My aunt was extremely emotionally abusive and I hated it. I felt alone. I didn't have any friends. I didn't do the whole sleepovers and campfires and movie night stuff. Never really went shopping with her ran errands with her. Yk and all my interests she would bully me for. So when I was 13 I started searching for that in online relationships and porn. Between this and moving so much when I was 12 I really struggle with finding peace withen peace. I'm used to constant change. But I wanted a long term relationship. So when James showed interest in me I leaped for the physical relationship.

Me and James broke up for about a month after some really rocky parts. I broke up with him due to our huge trust issues and my mental health issues. I was extremely depressed and stressed and between him having me block any male friends I had from school ruining my school life and my anger towards his distrust for me and my aunt and her boyfriend wanting me to do better in school and the abuse I got emotionally from them I couldnt function or think right. I would sleep all day and be up all night rotting away on my phone.

His friends were great supporters for him but of course they've always had issues with me from the breakup. Not to mention I was a weird kid my freshman year of highschool and really wanted to be friends with the girl cleo. She remembered that. James also told them of the cheating that happend with the ex during this month so it took a long while for them to come around to hanging out with me after everyone.

So I moved in when I got back together with him and this was after my 18th birthday. His family let me move in to get away from the abuse. They knew how bad it was before and we were planning it before the break up. We have like our own "apartment" connected to the house. We have his friends over often. We are at a great point.

So things are better. I feel more stable now but I still am under horrible stress and I learn more about him now living together. James still won't let me have like ANY guys added. So like mutual friends in school and stuff like that. And he's a big narcissist. He never talks to me like just sit down and just talk about our days or opinions or stuff like that. He doesn't share my taste in music (music is HUGE TO ME and I like all of it). He absolutely hates my favorite game. He can't even remember to to his half of chores and I only gave him ones I physically couldn't do. He gets angry when I cry and despite us having deep conversations about the support I need and how when I cry he still claims he doesn't know what to do or how to comfort me. It often feels like he doesn't know me at all..

I find myself with feelings for one of his friends. We went over to his house. Ill call him Ace. Ace kinda looks like james but like he loves music. Music I love. His house is gorgeous. His room is head to toe in all of his interests and hobbies. His family are total geeks and I got along amazingly with his mom too. Recently I got to sit one on one with Ace. We went to my boyfriends house and per usual james got on his video game soon as we got there and me and his friend hung out in the living room waiting for the others to get there. We started a movie and james sat for like the first 5 seconds and left. Me and him kinda watched it. When it was over I got on a game. Ace mentioned he knew of it and said he wanted to watch me play it. So I did and just talked about it. He never ignored me or bragged like my boyfriend. He was actually interested.

He started to ask about my music taste and I got super excited then the others got there. And that's when I realized how bad my crush was. I don't plan on acting on it. Even if me and my boyfriend parted ways in the far future and the friend showed up and we talked I wouldn't go for him cause he's a good friend and wouldn't do that to my boyfriend.

Ace includes me when I feel left out and I'm just kinda stupid for the basic treatment. My boyfriend plans to be a national guard and leaves this summer for it. I can't see myself with him long term. I feel bad cause his family has done a lot for me and he's really obsessed with me but just can't seem to treat me right. I feel like I'm not even friends with him. We share nothing and he's genuinely so mean to me. If I'm falling for a guy just cause he includes me and is nice to me it says something. I can't leave any time soon. And I'm gonna loose my friends when I do. I really hate how my life goes.

This is just some basic summery of it all.