Found out my old friend blocked me, and my heart broke all over again

Hello, Reddit. I know this post might appear as controversial, and i may be receiving insults, but i really really need to take this off my chest. This is a throwaway account.

Back in the 2020, during the pandemic, I was a chronically online child just like many others. On the internet, i made a few friends, but one of them was special to me. We became inseparable, spent all days together in call or chatting, and we ended up catching feeling for one another (but neither of us ever told the other, we found out much later, so we never became a couple)

Two years passed, and when we got out of the pandemic, and i started having other friends, too, he didn't take it too well. Due to his poor mental health and my new newfound life which lead me to spend less time online, he started becoming unbearable. He sent me relentless messages, many where he repeated he hoped I'd k1ll myself, and given our young age, i didn't know how to handle it. Eventually, i got in a relationship, and with the advice of my boyfriend, i blocked him for good, because it really was becoming too much for me to withstand.

The problem is that, despite many years passing, i really really still keep him in my heart. I have absolutely no feelings for him, and I'm still happily in a relationship with my boyfriend of four years, so it isn't about that. I'm just thinking about how i blocked him without giving him the chance to reply, and how, after many years of friendship, i practically abandoned him.

Lately, a game which we played together back then has been announced for a new release, and without thinking much about it, i instinctively went to search for the name of his account to send him the video...and i found out he blocked me back. I know he hadn't blocked me before, because he tried reaching out a couple times on tiktok (where I hadn't thought about blocking him) and the chats had remained in my DMs. So he blocked me relatively recently.

This hurt, not only because he blocked me, but because i found out he thinks about me, too, and maybe he's suffering as much as I am thinking about our friendship and all.

I know this may seem hypocrital, but i was genuinely hoping that maybe, eventually, when we both would grow up into better people and young adults, we would have found our way back to one another and become friends again. He was such an important part of my life, he stayed by my side in hurtful moments and periods of my life, and I've always felt guilty about how i didn't do the same back then.

The truth is that i miss him, and I'd like to text him just to know how he's doing, and how he feels about our friendship. I don't know why, but discovering he blocked me broke my heart all over again. What do y'all think? Am i hypocrital? Should i just...leave it all be, and let out friendship end for good? I also am not sure how my boyfriend would feel if i reached out to this friend, given how toxic he used to be when we got together, and i would never want to hurt him.

Thank you for reading, and sorry for any mistakes, English is not my first language!