i don't know what to do about my unhealthy attachment style

I think also i dont want to be satisfied, idk. idk whats wrong with me.

19f

i for a very long time felt my only purpose was to love someone and i still want to love someone, and i don't know if i can do it.

The first time i openly had a crush on someone it was so heavy until i found out she liked me too. she was my best friend and the only bed friend i ever had and my world revolved around her, but as soon as i found out she was into me my brain came up with so many reasons why we couldnt. she seemed bad somehow which is crazy because she was literally perfect in my eyes and i based so much of my childhood around her.

Next time was 3 years later with the second-best friend i ever had. i had a crush on her even though i felt somewhat weirdly about us, and she kissed me one night. I felt terrible about that too because i didn't want to really, but also i went along with it so that was my fault, but even then i remember being so tense like my back hurt so bad.

Deciding to date was partially out of fear of her and not wanting to say no, and was silly anyway, but after we agreed to date i immediately got depressed and after a week i was genuinely bedridden, and i felt so horrible, and i had to end it and elt better immediately. She ended the friendship and a year later we were almost into each other aain and i again started to feel like she was the most amazing yada yada and as soon as i felt confident she mightttt be into me i couldnt stand it.

After I realized it wasn't just a one-time thing i stopped trying to have relationships. its been four years since then, and it hasn't gotten better. I never enter a talking stage, but I can be really attracted to someone or even just platonically and wanting validation (mostly men) but as soon as i feel like they have a stable positive (ish) view of me the lose their light.

I ended up getting closer to this one guy, and most of the flirting stuff was because I was drunk or I would have known better, but again it's like i don't like them once i feel like it MIGHT be reciprocated.

I don't know how to stop having this happen. Like I genuinely will fixate and like my mind decides that what they say goes, kind of. like they have some moral superiority and every time I tell myself it's different, and they really are like the best person, and i feel so lucky when they seem to like me. bt then if it gets too personal, attraction-based, or like too reliable, i suddenly start to acknowledge or make up flaws of the person.

It is crazy to me, especially when i was younger, how my brain would switch from viewing this girl who i for several years viewed as everything right to suddenly disliking her. I would go to bed so many nights crying and praying (when I was religious) that they would forgive me and still be able to like me, even if i didnt do anything i was so incredibly sensitive to that person. I still get that way sometimes, though it's been a few months.

as long as i still feel like im in the position where I have to earn something, i will focus so much on that person and their view of me, but as soon as it seems consistently positive i stop being attached.

I don't know how to get better, i really want to be able to be a good partner in the future. i know this is really toxic behavior and I sincerely want to be better, i don't know what's wrong with me.