Early marriage struggles

I (34F) have been with my husband (32M) for 14 years. We have 3 biological children and 2 family members we have been raising for about almost 5 years. We truly love all 5 of them as if they were our own. The 2 others are biologically related to me but love their uncle as if he were their blood. When we had to take them in my husband did not hesitate for a second. He said lets do this “we should have taken them years ago”. (Im keeping details about the 2 vague for their privacy even though this is a throw away account)

Before i get into the reason for this post i want to touch a little on the type of relationship we had. When i first met my husband at work years ago we quickly became a great team and clients often would ask if we were dating. Me being blind as a bat always laughed and thought it was so funny “because we were such good friends.” Until i found myself single again and very quickly realized i infact had feelings for him. I fell so hard for him and never saw it coming. I was also never the girl to fall hard for anyone. I barely believed in real love. So when i found myself desperately in love i was the most stunned of anyone. He loved me so much i had never felt so happy and safe. We have been best friends, business partners & incredible life partners for 12 years. I was the girl who other girls constantly made comments about wanting the bond we had.

That all came to a crashing halt 8 months ago. he had been acting more stressed recently and i figured it was just the pressure of our main business. Then one night he turned to me and unleashed. He said the pressure of having to raise 2 kids that arent his and everything my family did to us has made him resent me. He went on and on. I called my best friend of 18 years to come get me because i was hysterical and all 5 kids were in the house (thankfully sleeping). She drove me to her house and we sat there trying to figure out what the hell was happening. She is also very close to my husband and just couldn’t believe the things i was telling her.

It was a very very painful 2 months of couples therapy- where he verbally destroyed me in every session. To the point where our marriage counselor had to sit me down alone to make sure he wasn’t abusive to me. I felt insane. I was like i don’t even recognize the man sitting across from me. And i could see in her face she didn’t believe me and thought i was lying. It felt like nothing in my life was real. This man had never raised his voice to me let alone his hands! Eventually after 2 months it came out the a doctor prescribed him Adderall to “help him be more focused” (dont worry I’ve since had words with said doctor). Well since he doesn’t have adhd the adderall put him into a literal psychosis. Which was the sudden personality change. Once the Adderall usage stopped he slowly turned back into himself. He has days he cant remember and has been trying to heal all the damage he did. Our marriage counselor looked at me one day and was like i now see the man you’ve been telling me about for months and im so happy for you that this is really who he is.

I’ve never held onto someone so hard for dear life. All While hiding the kids from it. It took me to a place of strength i didn’t know i had.

And for the final and major blow i found out a client of our business who has a reputation for already cheating on her husband.. he was texting “to help support him during a hard time”.

i barely know this woman. She is not someone i deal with on the regular. It was beyond inappropriate and i never actually got to see the texts to know what they said. Of course they both denied anything happened. When i first found out I immediately had someone we both know sit down with me and her so i could ask if she was having an affair with my husband. as you could imagine she said no. My hope was she would be so uncomfortable she’d cancel her membership. But she didn’t. I was trying really hard at first to not ban her from coming to my establishment because she does refer so many people which is why i was hoping she’d passively leave on her own. And i figured well if nothing really happened then i should be able to get over it. He swears on all 5 kids nothing happened and he has never been a liar but im not sure what that even means at this point.

WELL it’s months later and i’m realizing it fucking eats away at me she still has her membership and still comes to our business. I am trying so hard to not do something to harm my business but also at the end of the day i need my relationship and security back. And something that constantly hurts me is her presence there.

So i guess im asking a few things am i an idiot for staying? Am i being immature asking her to leave? And will it every stop hurting that ill never know if he was actually trying to peruse her or not?