how do you figure out if you're significantly high risk?

ive come to realize ive probably been in a depressive episode for the last 6 months or so. I've been very apathetic, irritable, and anhedonic. I've also been thinking about suicide a lot. self harm urges haven't been too bad but there have been abnormal spikes.

i keep thinking about overdosing on my sleep meds. not necessarily even in a suicidal way, just in a wreckless, apathetic, "fuck it let's see what happens" kind of way.

i don't know what this means or how concerned I need to be about this. I've already tested the waters with taking 2 extra at one point. I'm not planning on doing it again, but i want to do more. maybe 5. maybe 90. and though I know how horrible of a thought that is, there is some level of risk of me doing it. i don't know how high that risk is though. the temptation is there.

I have self control, at least for now. I've been unstable, it's felt like I just need a tiny push in the right direction to spiral into crisis. and because I've felt so detached from myself recently, I don't know how close I am to the edge.

I'm scared to tell my psychiatrist about this because I don't want my sleep meds getting taken away from me. I'm worried either my partner would get involved or my psych would stop prescribing these meds. they're the only thing that's helped my insomnia and gotten me a regular sleep schedule.

i don't think I'm doing *that* bad. im definitely having symptoms, but i feel like it'd be dramatic to say I'm in an episode. part of my brain is telling me I'm just looking for a crisis and that Im perfectly fine and don't need to be worried about this. though I know part of that is coming from the years of my dad downplaying my symptoms.

i don't know what to think. i know I need to talk to my therapist and psych. but i don't know how much I'm willing to share. i think I can get through this fine without being completely honest.