I have a high-stakes physics problem.

I’m a guy who knows how to handle pressure—I once scared off 5 creditors in Pennsylvania by sending them notarized debt validation letters via USPS Certified Mail until they literally vanished—but I cannot handle the PSI of my own gas. The situation: My farts have so much velocity and the "tension" is so high that the tips of my asscheeks sting when they slap together. It’s not a diet thing; it’s strictly impact trauma. The Acoustics:

The Frog Call: If I sit normally, the vibration is so intense it sounds like a literal bullfrog mating call. The high-frequency skin-on-skin "micro-slapping" leaves a stinging friction burn.
The "Puh": If I manually spread my cheeks completely apart, it’s a nearly silent "puh" with zero sting.
The Remix: I’ve discovered that if I rock carefully back and forth, I can rapidly switch between the "puh" and the "slap," essentially modulating the frequency in real-time like a biological DJ.

The problem is the stinging. It feels like a repetitive stress injury or a "concussion" of the skin from the sheer mechanical force. I’m currently looking at using Desitin Maximum Strength (40% Zinc Oxide) as a "shock absorber" or BodyGlide to reduce the coefficient of friction so they slide instead of smack. I’ve mastered the "Level of Force" with my debt collectors, but now I need to master the Force of the Fart. Has anyone else dealt with "vibratory flap" trauma? I need a hydraulic buffer for this high-pressure gas before I vibrate my skin off. TL;DR: My farts are so powerful they sound like a frog mating call. The vibration is giving me friction burns. I’m applying the same "Level of Force" I used to beat 5 debt collectors in PA to my own asscheeks using Aquaphor Healing Ointment and physics.