How do I have a conversation about my wife’s weight?

My wife (33 F) and I (36 M) have toddler twin boys. We’re both originally from the Deep South but currently live in the Northeast. We have been together for 10 years married for 8 years.

First, I want to be clear. My wife is a wonderful, caring partner and an amazing mother. I love her deeply and would do anything for our family. This isn’t about wanting to leave or judging her as a person. I’m posting because I genuinely don’t know how to handle something that’s been affecting our relationship for a while.

My wife is very emotional during conflict and tends to shut down after arguments and takes everything said literally, especially when the topic touches on her body image or weight. That’s where my problem comes in. I’m a very direct communicator by nature. Even when I try to be gentle, I often come across harsher than I intend, I even had to use AI to tone down my post because it was too harsh of a tone apparently. I’m honestly afraid that bringing this up will turn into a massive fight that lasts for weeks and will be brought m up the rest of my life.

Before the kids, she wasn’t super fit, but she took care of herself and felt confident. Since having twins, she’s gained 40+ lbs and hasn’t lost the baby weight. She’s extremely sensitive about it. Even when her mom used to mention it, she’d get very defensive (her mom has stopped).

The bigger issue now is how much this affects our day-to-day relationship. She frequently talks negatively about her body and calls herself horrible things. I used to compliment her and tell her she was sexy, but she would dismiss it every time (“you have to say that,” “you don’t mean it,” etc.), so eventually I stopped because it felt pointless and I don’t appreciate having my genuine thoughts thrown back in my face. She has also started snoring loudly all night due to the weight according to the doctor. To be clear the weight doesn’t really bother me, I’m not a fan but it’s natural and I still find her sexy, and it’s not like I’m skinny, I’m 220 at 5’11 and I’m also not a fan of my weight.

Our intimacy has also suffered. We have sex less often because she says she feels disgusting, and when we do, it feels very routine and disconnected unless alcohol is involved, and I’m not a fan of drinking so that’s very rare.

Over the past couple years, she’s spent a LOT of money on gym memberships, workout programs, and healthy cookbooks, but they usually last a few weeks before stopping. I find myself feeling frustrated because she’s clearly unhappy but doesn’t stick with anything long enough to see results. I’ve tried working out with her, but frankly she half asses the workouts and skips reps and or gives up fairly quickly which drives me crazy because I grew up in sports and had structured workouts and training where she did not.

At this point, I feel emotionally drained listening to her complain about her weight while feeling like I can’t say anything helpful. I’m also starting to feel depressed about the state of our relationship and worried about the example she is setting for our children in regards to body image, self confidence and seeing things all the way thought without quitting.

I don’t want to hurt her. I don’t want to pressure her. I also don’t want to keep silently building resentment which is happening.

So my question is:

How do I support my wife and have an honest conversation about health, confidence, and intimacy without making her feel attacked or damaging our marriage?

Any advice from people who’ve been on either side of this would really help.