people are holding onto me, but i just want to leave.

i've been planning on a serious suicide for years. not that the previous times i've attempted weren't serious, but this time, serious as in i can be sure i succeed with no way of getting rescued.

i have promised to write lyrics for a person who wants to release their own original song. and that's the last thing i have on my list of things to do before i go. yet they still haven't sent me a demo (they asked me in 2024), which is fine for me because i know their reason and i know it takes time to produce a song being a producer myself.

i'm okay with that. but then recently, my grandpa passed. i feel really bad, not just because of losing someone, but also because at the same time i feel relieved. relieved that there's less reason for me to stay, since i have always helped with taking care of him. i know i shouldn't feel that. but that's not what i want to talk about.

i want to talk about my mother (daughter of grandpa) and my grandma. when my grandpa passed, my mother asked me to stay with her, saying that my elder brother has his girlfriend and my father has his own friends and stuff. i don't know if this is also a reason, but me myself, i'm a neet and socially withdrawn, maybe she finds me the most available to be by her side. and my grandma -- she called me this morning. she rarely calls me, but this morning in the phone call she said because grandpa isn't at home anymore, she feels lonely and asked me if she could call me from time to time. i of course couldn't reject her. i know how hard it is for her to lose him.

but i want to leave. i've been waiting for years. i know it's tough for my mother and my grandma during this period, and i told myself i'd wait for one more year from grandpa's passing, and also for the lyrics to be finished. but my mother's words and my grandma's call feel like chains to me. i didn't reject them, and i don't know how long i have to be hold onto. why do i have to be the one. why am i the one out of all the grandsons and granddaughters. why can't people just let me go? why do i have to be their emotional support person? when no one even acknowledged my emotions?