Alysa Liu makes me so jealous I want to die

It makes me feel even more pathetic than I already am. It feels wrong to turn her positivity and radiance into my own selfish hatred, but my brain can’t help itself.

I used to figure skate competitively for around 10 years. I wasn’t anywhere near national level, but I was pretty good. I guess ice skating was my “thing” - it would’ve be the main activity on my college application, what I would tell everyone I did in my free time, and what people thought I was cool for. I became depressed in my junior year and quit everything - skating and school.

I tried to convince myself that I didn’t care anymore; that I wasn’t upset that I stopped doing everything that made me myself.

The 2026 winter Olympics made me realize that I’ve been lying to myself to be okay with how pathetic I am. Nobody’s success has made me miserable like Alysa Liu’s. It feels like torture watching her become exactly want I’ve wished I could’ve. I listen to the same music as her. I wear similar clothes. I dye my hair a similar way. I’ve wanted a mouth piercing for years. Hell, I’m even Chinese like she is. Watching her get universal praise while I rot every day in bed and cry myself to sleep has made me want to kill myself.

The part that makes me feel disgusted with myself is how much I envy her appeal to other people (mostly men- which feels horrible to say out loud, as a supposed “girls girl”). She’s so charismatic and beautiful in a way that I could never imagine. The fact that we have so much in common, except she’s winning gold at the Olympics while being everyone’s crush and I have no achievements besides being too ugly and disgusting to ever love anyone makes me want to throw up in jealousy. I can’t escape it either since everyone can’t stop talking about her.

I was already depressed, but recently it’s been a lot worse. I feel like I’m never going to find anyone who likes me, and even if I somehow do, I hate myself too much to accept it. I’ve never even had a crush on anyone my whole life because it makes me feel like a disgusting creep. The part that upsets me the most is that even if I was good enough at skating, I still wouldn’t be a thing like Alysa because I’m unattractive and socially inept. I’m not usually jealous of other people, but she’s like if everything I wish I was became a real person.

I feel like the only thing I can get out of this is to become my own, more depressed and more disgusting person to distance myself from her.