what I want to say but never will. Blocked

Its long and stupid but Im blocked and he’ll never see. Im not a good writer this is just my heartbreak. 

G,

  You’ve now seen me at my worst.. and during my worst and my cry for help, though you don’t owe me anything, you chose not to respond. (I over text especially when treated with no response, I would never call or show up where you are) I can’t explain or excuse my behavior I don’t know why I do it and I have the most self hate for it I can’t even begin to explain. I don’t know where it comes from but I’ve always done it no matter the person or situation. Silence kills.

That being said I am without a doubt the most sorry I’ve ever been. I’ve kicked myself over and over again knowing how good of a person I can be given the chance. Before you talk or break my heart one more time please hear me out. You didn’t know me then but I was shattered in November, and if you want to know why I’ll tell you. I have no secrets. I finally put myself back together. sorta. I was finding worth in all the wrong places. I went back on the apps and met meaningless people who didn’t give two shits about me except that I was easy.. So I stopped for a while, mean while I was praying day and night for God to bring someone good into my life. someone slow and patient, kind and understanding. someone to see me as I am. Then G I met you. 

I was broken, guarded and thought you would use me like the rest but for that one night I would feel worth it. But you didn’t, You didn’t try, you didn’t touch me, you didn’t make cruel jokes, you were kind. I was scared. We had 2 more dates then I invited myself to Iceland and it was amazing. I was falling hard.. You asked me to be your valentine and I was so nervous.. I’ve never been asked before. I made light of the situation with a joke but I shouldn’t have, I should’ve said yes right then on that bus. At dinner at The Bastard you told me you deleted the apps, you were no longer looking.. maybe that meant just for anyone or maybe that meant in that moment you found it in me. You found my worth. I went back and immediately deleted my profile. I met you the night I made the account and hadn’t pursued anyone else since. 

My walls were coming down and I couldn’t stop them. We got home and I thought this was it! It was slow but that’s exactly what I needed. God was answering my prayers. You noticed things without me bringing attention to it. You asked my birthday, no man has ever asked my birthday.  I went out and bought you flowers and gifts with the idea I was finally chosen. 

You made me feel my worth for a moment then everything changed. We got home that Friday. The week was great until Friday, I texted you you didn’t respond all day except around 9 pm ending things. the reason you wanted to focus on yourself. 

I was crushed. But its my fault for falling in such a short time. we didn’t even date. as you said we barely know each other and this shouldn’t be such a big deal. When you’ve been picking yourself off the floor for months and finally found someone who you thought truly cared it is such a big deal. anyways for days I tried to reach out. saying Im sorry, telling you you matter to me, I was wrong in this case but reaching out to your roommate for answers cause I was totally lost. (I knew your roommate before I met you) I didn’t know but the minute you ended things you blocked me. I could no longer see the pictures and videos from Iceland mind you I took a lot of the ones you used on social but Im not mad. Im not angry with you. I could never be, Im sad it took one moment to decide I was better tho get rid of then to speak and work things out.

You told me I deserve more. You assumed I wanted more. I don’t, I was and still are happy with you as you are. I want so badly to be your biggest fan. to support you in your highs and lows. To show up for you, to see you. To sit quietly as you work or to bug you for attention. My heart is full and it is my biggest flaw. I hope you never doubted my kindness. to hold some stress when its to heavy.

Maybe you love bombed me and maybe I was blind to it. But these are my feeling and since Im blocked you’ll never know them. I’ll be more careful now going forward. Ill find my worth in myself, I just wish you'd seen it too