19 yrs of marriage

This is my first time posting so take it easy on me.

I have been married for almost 19 years. It will be 19 in a few days. We got married young. I (F 38) was 19 a couple days right before my 20th birthday and he (M 40) 21 at the time. We got married in Los Vegas. We had dated for about a year and a half before getting married. He was in the military and stationed in Missouri and I lived in California. He flew out and suprised me and proposed. Of course I said yes. We knew we were going to have a Vegas wedding, so he had me pick a date. The previous year he had promised to be with me for my birthday since he couldn't that year. So, when picking a date for our wedding I made sure he would be with me for my birthday. He got out the military shortly after and we lived in California the first 4 years of our marriage. While still in California we had our first child (16). Then we moved so my husband could start his masters program across the country. It was hard being so far from family, but we managed to visit twice a year. Husband joined the military again but as a reservist this time to help with bills. I got a job. Then we moved again so he could get his PhD. We had our second child (10), but still states away from family. Once he finished he got a job at a university, still states away from family. I don't mind, being away from everyone because with his job we get to spend summer in California with family. Also my husband has been so loving that I feel he's all I need to be happy. When we do visit, both our parents have big houses, so we get our own rooms when we visit (husband family lives in California but hours away from my side of the family). I went back to college and finally got my bachelor's degree. However, I haven't had a job since having my daughter. At times I would like to work again using my degree, but then I won't have summers off with the family. We aren't struggling financially, so no pressure. Well, a little background on myself. I didn't grow up with the best examples of a healthy marriage, there was always trust issues, but my parents make it work. However, I grew up seeing that. I also have old siblings and some of their spouses have cheated. Anyway, their relationship issues have stuck with me and sadly it's something I've struggled with. However, my husband has always been open and honest with me. He hates that I question him sometimes, but reassures me and moves on. Well, a couple years ago, things seemed near perfect, but sometimes with military and at the university, he gets really busy and unable to spend as much time as I would like together. So, again that little feeling popped up again for me. I decided instead of letting it consume me like before, I would go through my "check list" like I've talk with my therapist. Check list: Is he affectionate ✅ Has he given me any signs ❌ and so on. Well, everything seemed good. So I thought. Well, a few days ago by and I noticed my husband hiding his phone. I asked about it and he said he was hiding it because he left I was looking for it, but I was not. He asked if everything was good and I said yes. So, he apologized for hiding it and thinking I was going through it. (Before any asks, I have the pass code to everything and he has mine). Well, later on I told him that I had had my doubts, but I still didn't go through his phone and I'm not sure if I was acting weird and maybe that's what he picked up on. Well, he didn't say much, but it broke him. We agrued for days about it. How he left like he couldn't trust me because I was upfront about my feelings and maybe I did go through his phone. Well, he had to leave for a few months for the military. We would call, argue, but still say I love you. After a month. The kids and I joined him. Everything seemed okay, but there was a distance I could notice. He had changed his passcodes, he would keep his phone away from me at all times and didn't really tell me much about work, since I couldn't trust him when he was an open book. It hurt and there were many nights I cried myself to sleep, but thought we could fix this. Once we go back to our regular life again back home, I figured things would get better. However, they did not. Him if he loves me, he said yes. I asked "but are you IN love with me?" To which he replied with "I don't feel the same way that I did. I thought that every year together we were getting stronger and stronger, more and more in love. But I think I was ignoring your feelings... blinding myself...not really seeing what was going on." This broke me. We went to couples counseling for a while, but didn't seem to get back to what we were before. We stopped going. And 2 years later here we are. He seems fine at times and then distant at others. He hasn't changed his mind and I don't want to lose him. At times I feel I've reached my breaking point and all hope, then sometime happens to bring back hope. I still cry sometimes, but no one really knows. My youngest can tell if I seem sad and will ask, but I say worry or nothing. My husband says he hates himself for putting me through this because "I'm such a great and beautiful person and deserve to be happy." I sometimes think maybe we should just call it, but how would it work/look. My support system (aside from him) are states away. I know he's told me no matter what happens between us, whether we work it out or not, he'll always be there emotionally and financially no matter what. However, would we remain living together or would I move back to California? What will happen with our children? Who would they live with? My husband is an amazing father and I wouldn't want to take our children away from him, nor would I want to be without them. If I stay here and get a place of my own I would have to work (not a big deal), but summer visits with family would be over. I guess I'm lost. I don't want to leave my husband because I am still deeply in love with him through all this mess, but I also don't want him to feel like he is "stuck" with me, if he never falls back in love with me. I'm torn and very heartbroken.

Sorry for the long post, but I needed this.