A whole year.

20/F

Hello, nice to meet you all, and thank you in advance for reading. It has been 7 months since this happened, and I'm still... I'm still recovering, not particularly well, but I am recovering.

About two years ago, I met someone online. A sweet girl I'll refer to as "Gel" for the sake of anonymity. We hit it off instantly, joking with each other and chatting for hours. The next day, she took me aside and set boundaries. She wasn't interested in going out with me for the foreseeable future or anyone at the time, and I was totally fine with that, given that people have their boundaries and respecting boundaries is what allows friendships to last for years to come.

Fast forward about a year, and we were playing VR one night. Playing truth or dare with a few mutual friends as she pulls the dare, "Who in this room would you marry?" Surprisingly, she chooses me and starts getting close to my virtual avatar. I told her I was flattered, but I don't really take that kind of thing lightly and she should probably choose a different answer. (I'm aware I'm a bit of a buzzkill, but it's a boundary of mine to not say romantic things insincerely.)

Despite this, she held strong and after this point started getting closer to me, becoming someone I confided in, calling me petnames throughout the day, literally saying they "Love" me every couple of hours. We'd talk nearly every day during this period, and it was the happiest time of my life. Later in the year, we got to talking about the holidays and Christmas. When they said "I'd love to help you decorate the tree, we'd have so much fun" they agreed, stating that we'd be able to snuggle after I met her parents. She didn't elaborate on that, but it came off as another gesture.

She was eventually going to go on a cruise. I'm pretty clingy so I'd been dreading it for a while, but she was very comforting about it, saying unprompted that she'd even take me with her if she could.

One night, we started talking about perfect dates, and I let slip I've never been on a date. She asked why, and I told her that I'm extremely shy and well.. I've never been able to go out in public without anxiety. She told me "When I take you on your first date, I'll be with you the whole time. You can hold my hand whenever you get nervous, okay?" And that alone made me just kind of fall head over heels with her, we got to chatting about what we'd want to do and she brought up Build-A-Bear, I told her I'd never been and she said that's where we'd go, she'd take me to build a bear. I found that idea charming, cute and comforting. This was the best part of my life, but everything good has to end eventually.

A few weeks later, I confessed to her.

Sent my whole heart to her, I spent 2 hours perfecting a display of my emotion, devotion and love for her. She responded by saying (And I quote) "Awww, that's so sweet~! Give me a few minutes for me to make a proper response to this, okay, Honey? ♡" And so I did. I waited patiently, having a panic attack for her to respond.

Ten minutes went by, Thirty minutes, An hour. She hadn't been getting back to me, but I wasn't able to move. Paralyzed with anxiety and fear.

After 13 hours, she responded.
A lot was said in her response, though I'd like to cut out the talk of me being the most important person in her life and get to the points she meant.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have led you on or let it get this far."
"I mean, it wasn't real."
"Are you okay?"

After I responded that I was indeed, not okay. She responded with a simple "Oh." and stopped talking to me entirely, I reached out trying to be her friend again out of pure desperation, and she chatted with me for a couple of minutes before I was convinced by my brother that it wasn't worth it. A day later, she'd blocked me. It had been a year since we started interacting like this at that point, and I felt like my heart was torn out and stomped on.

I haven't really been able to trust people since this, and I feel bitter inside over it. This wasn't the first time I was led on for an extended period of time, the first time was a 4 year stint but that is a story for a different day. Unfortunately, this hurt a lot more than the first time. I believed I had finally found someone who understood me and was willing to stand by me, but instead, I was used as someone's emotional support doll, letting them live out a fantasy they never intended to fulfill.

If you've made it this far, thank you for reading, and I truly and utterly apologize if it's overly dramatic. Have a good day.