I hate uncertainty

I just absolutely hate it when I don’t know what is going to happen. Am I going to get into this university I want? Will my plans work? Will I get that program? Do they feel the same for me? Will my job kick me out? Will I get that GPA I targeted?

I fucking hate it especially given I make plans a lot. I think I give more focus on planning than the actual execution which usually gives me worse outcomes than I anticipated.

Frankly I wish I wasn’t such a procrastinator; I trust my mind and intelligence way too much. It ruins me so much tbh.

I also hate this thing where I try to be the bigger person and understand stuff more than I should. I am just a human dude; I am going to turn 21, why the fuck am I not taking care of myself and instead purely focusing on others feelings while neglecting mine?

And with that comes this uncertainty, this unpredictability of if you are doing the right thing. I am in computer science engineering, I studied so many algorithms, so many things which enabled me to predict things. I have built so many things. Yet I can’t predict a single thing in my own life. It feels so strange and anxiety inducing when all you can do is attach percentages to the likelihood you get what you wanted.

I am turning 21 next month and it feels like i am wasting my life away.

Despite getting a job before graduating. Despite doing multiple internships. Despite having good people in my life. Despite the multiple projects. I just am not happy. I will try my best until May to do more. But i feel like this is way too low for my intelligence, i feel like i should have done way more. And i am disappointed in myself; so unsatisfied.

Honestly i am glad people see me as smart though. I am seeing someone and the way they describe me sometimes, i wish i could see myself that way tbh. They are very sweet though.

I am not unhappy or something, i am fine with my life, i genuinely am. But i just think i didn’t meet my potential in a lot of aspects.

I hope i would be happy and proud with myself someday. I would love to.