I am struggling with loss (trigger warning suicide)

Hello, I’m a Ukrainian and Ashkenazic teen that lives in the USA.

Introduction to me and the problems I’ve had. I hold onto a lot of generational trauma, I have anxiety issues, I go through depressive episodes, I have bipolar disorder.

I’m very miserable as of now, and have been for a couple years now, mainly due to my personal problems and health, and especially the loss of my family.

Many of my family members have died due to suicide. I’m not sure why. But it has taken such a toll on my mental health.

I’m grieving and struggling and trying to understand the reason it’s happened but I just can’t. Most of my family is dead. Most of my dead family died of suicide. Some of which I was very attached to.

It is so painful for me and the rest of my family. We are all just so miserable. I don’t know what to do or how to cope but I have just been so unbelievably stressed and sad. I feel so much grief and sadness, it is so painful and tragic.

I find things I was gifted, letters from them, and messages from them before they died. Sometimes they are even less than a year old. Hurts to look at knowing they died not soon after giving me it.