Arospec, aplatonic, avoidant, unable to connect with ppl, not the right ppl, or mental issues..?

As the title suggests, I am truly at a loss. Buckle up because I am a rambler…!

I know I am somewhere on the aromantic spectrum. Where exactly… I don’t know. I have been identifying as demiromantic for the past five years. I would say I am 80% sure I have felt romantic feelings twice in my life. Both were crushes on best friends between 13-15yo that lasted solidly about a year and never went anywhere. Beyond that, no other time have I felt that pull to another person. And every three months or so I have a moment of deeply considering I may be aromantic, just to inevitably find no closure and go back to demiromantic for my sanity.

For one thing I have never actually tried to be in a relationship before until very recently. I thought maybe I would develop feelings when they are the person I felt closest to in the world, but they never came. Not only that, they were open to a queerplatonic relationship but no love really came at all. Sure I care for them. Sometimes after we have a nice conversation or they do something nice for me, I feel like a flicker of love in the moment for them. But it was never the kind of love that said they were important enough to me to matter. It didn’t have to be them. I could have just as well been dating anyone. So we ended it amicably. This experience has made me reflect even more.

I do dream of having my person or persons, but it seems that my threshold to have feelings is simply too impossible. When I dream of a perfect future I dream I am always single or with someone. We live together, but we have separate rooms, or we have different homes, even. We cuddle, we maybe kiss, we have intense closeness physically and emotionally. But I struggle to even get to a level of emotional connection, even with friends. I just want it to be SOMEONE. Someone to go out with on rare occasions and text and laugh and yap about my interests but I feel there is always a wall. Anytime I make friends I always know that they are never going to be forever just as I felt in my last relationship. I feel like either I really am aromantic or I am just too unattached to people to possibly be in love and form the relationship I dream of. truly most people annoy me. I rarely connect with people. Friends are good just to have someone but at the end of the day they don’t mean much to me. Again, they are replaceable to me/it doesn’t have to be them. I’m not sure if there really is a magic exception for a partner. I posted about my experience in some other forum before, and they brought my attention to the aplatonic label. I wish it wasn’t me. But I think it is. But at the same time I hold out hope that maybe I simply haven’t been finding the right people to have desire for deeper friendships or relationships.

In fantasy land, ideally I would have a partner queerplatonic or romantic but actually having it, I genuinely can’t tell if I want it or not. In this last relationship, it seemed like any typical expectation for a relationship eventually annoyed me or felt unnecessary. Even little things like expectations to send goodmorning or goodnight texts felt annoying and sometimes uneasy to me. It makes me feel like I just dream of a person to have my fun when I have energy and then shelve away in a box somewhere until I have the want to interact again and that is not real or fair to another person.

I also question is this is coming from a place of being avoidantly attached to people, just lack of expertise, or other just mental struggles. I often feel like I don’t know how to love people or be in relationships. I feel like I am simply too selfish and closed off to have relationships flourish. I am also depressed and likely have BPD so I often have a low threshold for how much socializing I want to do and for how deeply I can get to know people before picking flaws that may make them unworthy in my eyes. I am also autistic which again makes connection with people that much harder. Plus this is my first relationship ever. Maybe you have to learn to love or care for another person as a lover.

In looking at some labels under the aromantic umbrella, the terms: cupioromantic, bellusromantic, and aegiromantic stick out as more me. I love love when it’s fictional. I spend lots of time writing and reading about characters in romantic and queerplatonic relationships but when I put myself in that role, things get hazy. I can never see myself in their relationships even when they are often non traditional too. Frankly, when it comes to love in real life relationships there is a disconnect where I often feel people must be stupid to be in love. It starts to get confusing on what another person would really look like in my life. And I’ve tried to do that deeper searching myself but everytime I try to answer the more specific questions it boils down to a lot of “I don’t knows” or “maybe in this hyper specific instance, yes/no”. Maybe if love has to fit in such a tiny box for me to give it the time of day, then that may be a sign it’s simply not for me. I see aromantic people in happy QPRs and it makes me really sad to think I may never get to have even that for myself

I say all this with the understanding this may be like all my other past questioning. I may not know for a long time and have to keep defaulting back to demisexual. Also maybe this really is impossible to figure out until I try relationships more in the distant future. I also am just having this awful feeling that if I am aplatonic and aromantic, or maybe not even so, but still feel so detached, that it makes me a bad person. I feel awful to be so detached from friends I have known four years but could easily drop at any moment. I would also just love some reassurance to hear if objectively it seems like I simply cannot be helped. But if there is anything you guys can see or some direction to point me in, please let me know!