He cheated multiple times because I was emotionally abusive

We’ve been no contact for almost two years now, but this is the one thing that I can’t get over. I don’t know how to move past this when I’m constantly seeing posts of people saying they cheated on their abusers. It eats me up inside knowing everyone was patting him on the ass for escaping an evil “emotionally abusive” girlfriend.

Before that relationship, I’d never been cheated on before. I’ve never cheated. All my past relationships were normal, I can’t say any of my exes were abusive. I’ve never been the type to argue or fight with a partner, it’s just not how I communicate. I know the way I type can come across as abrasive, but I really try to communicate clearly so that nobody misunderstands my intentions… which somehow, with this ex in particular, happened often. All that to say, I’m not a person anyone has ever described as abusive. Neurodivergent, yes. But not “difficult” or “dangerous” or “abusive”.

We were together for 11 months total. After two months, he started bringing girls over to his house in secret. Told his roommate that we had an “agreement”. No such thing. I didn’t find out about this until much later. He had also been dating another woman on the side, while also chatting with women online every day. He always had a “girl best friend”, she knew he cheated on his last girl and stayed with him. When I went to her about my suspicions, she told me that she’d take his side even if he were cheating because she’s his “best friend”. She considered herself an autistic witch and an “empath”, so her truth was objective.

I kept quiet about the cheating, because he promised he’d work on himself over and over. All the while he was constantly triangulating me with his best friend, taunting me for feeling threatened. He kept me in the dark about how he was feeling or thinking. What he told me and what he told third parties were completely different things. He was telling me how he considered me his wife and how he wanted us to move past the affair, while telling everyone else that I’m abusing and manipulating him, that I’m threatening to kill myself if he leaves me. I said while sobbing hysterically one night after finding out he was cheating again that I wanted to die, but it wasn’t a threat by any means. It was hyperbolic, yes, but I’ve never self harmed or made an attempt in my life. I was in so much pain that I wanted to die in that moment. And he took that and ran with it.

He and his friends made fun of me in private group chats, they stalked my social media and took screenshots of posts to mock in private. The stress of everything caused me to self isolate, and my own friends cut me off because they felt I abandoned them. I did explain to them what happened at a later time, but the damage was already done and I’ve had to make new friends.

And yet… I’m abusive. His cheating was justified because I emotionally abused him. Me, the person who baked him fresh bread and cinnamon rolls every week. Who made his coffee every morning. The me who tried so so so hard to understand him and make him feel loved. I was abusive. And he had to cheat over and over and over and over just to escape from somebody like me.

When I cut him off for good, he left a voicemail frantically saying how “everyone” is telling him that I abused him and that he’s afraid of me. That I’m fucked up in the head and he’s scared of me. The guy that screams at his dog for barking, afraid of me, who never raised her voice even once.

This was a very long winded post, but it’s been weighing so heavy on me. I’ll probably never forgive him or let go of the anger. The betrayal trauma now affects my current relationship, it’s horrible. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

I feel a knot in my stomach every time somebody says they cheated on their abuser and they don’t feel bad about it. What if their ex was just like me? All the supportive comments… and I wonder if that’s what everyone told my ex. If that’s the stuff people said about me behind my back. Am I a horrible person for questioning other people’s lived realities? Sorry I just really don’t know how to get past this