ache of To My Shore

Still Not Over Fan Xiao and Shulang. If someone’s reading this, send help. I miss them. They stayed with me longer than the episodes did.

So I wanted to start with some titles I thought could suit this story, because that’s how deeply it affected me.

– A Beautiful Canvas, A Ruined Heart

– Devotion in Ruins

– Bruises and Devotion

– Control, Devotion, and Everything in Between

(I explain in my head why these fit, but honestly the original title To My Shore is beautiful too.)

I started watching when only eight episodes had aired and the ninth was airing that same evening. I watched the earlier ones in the morning and I was already obsessed. I genuinely couldn’t make sense of why Fan Xiao would go to such lengths to destroy Shulang’s life. Maybe he’s traumatised enough to burn the world down, or maybe Shulang was just something too beautiful he couldn’t help but stain. That’s the only explanation I can think of.

Some people say it was love at first sight. Personally, I never felt that. It always felt darker and more complicated.

About Fan Xiao being demisexual — I remember that being mentioned in the source material, so I thought I should share that for others who might be wondering.

Fan Xiao feels toxic to me in the sense that he wants control over Shulang. Even before really knowing him, he tried to isolate him. I don’t think cruelty or rage-baiting is his love language at all, even if it might seem that way from his actions. If anything, I feel like his real love language would have been physical closeness and acts of devotion — if only he had known how to express them in a healthy way. And Shulang is his one and only, which makes their dynamic feel even more intense to me.

At the same time, I don’t see either of them as simple. To me, both Fan Xiao and Shulang are equally complex, equally captivating, and deeply devoted in their own ways. That’s what made them impossible to look away from.

Shulang forgiving him really stayed with me. It made me realise how strong he is emotionally. The heart wants what it wants — I know that from my own life — and maybe that’s why I understood him even when I didn’t agree with what he accepted. In fiction I can sit with that. In real life, I don’t think I could survive that kind of hurt. Shulang is stronger than I could ever be in that situation.

What broke me most wasn’t just what happened between them, but the idea of being treated like something disposable. That lingered.

And yet I still felt for Fan Xiao too, because he never really learned how to love. Somewhere in his actions, I still felt sincerity and devotion buried under everything.

I didn’t expect To My Shore to break me like this. I didn’t plan to care this much.

I just miss them so much that I had to post this, because otherwise I felt like I was just sitting here waiting and dying to see the special episodes they promised.

GUYS, I’m still living on their shore.

They emotionally ruined me and I’m thankful.

I’m not over them and I don’t want to be.

I thought I’d just post something short about how much I miss them, but it turned into this. I hate typing, texting, posting on Reddit — but To My Shore made me do it.

Did anyone else feel this emotionally stuck with them after finishing the show?

Or am I the only one still standing on their shore?