Un-knotting a family generational pattern

Hello everyone

I have recently come across this particular subreddit while reckoning with my own family's generational trauma, and, coming from a spiritual background, I figure that I could help others that lean more into non-religious self-study spirituality† to help break their own cycles of agony and oppression.

†This precludes the typical "create what you want" variety of spirituality which more often than not boils down to mental gymnastics that aren't grounded in reality and merely perpetuate, enhance, or create new maladaptive patterns. Rather, what I'm referring to are the general universal facts of life that show up in situations that most people wouldn't label as spiritual, but every bit qualifies as the dharma of life. I've heard stories of people who employed very-high-level spiritual principles to help heal their lives, but the lingo they use does not reference current New-Age buzzwords, nor are they even aware nor care that they were using those universal spiritual principles - all they knew was that they remembered a fundamental fact, knowing, or joy, and suddenly felt a newfound freedom they never felt before.

For this reason I won't use too many woo-woo phenomena, if at all, since I feel most of them are irrelevant and immaterial to this specific post, and most of them are highly specific to the individual anyway.

That being said, a bit of childhood background.

I, along with many others here, was born with a parent who was severely, deeply troubled. In this case, it was my late father. He, in this life, was unable to be nothing but narcissistic, petty, and emotionally unstable for all of his life. He especially hated the fact that I had high-functioning autism and thought of me as a failure. He put my mom and I through hell, with several tactical suicide threats (some with guns) sprinkled across the time he was married to her. At the time, I did not know or comprehend what was going on since I was a small child, only that I didn't like what I saw. Other times, it was operating invisibly and subtly for most of my life, and I didn't earnestly start decoding what was going on with my mom, my father, and I until my late 20s and early 30s.

//End of childhood background//

Thankfully, the decoding process has made processing through my own shit much easier and quicker, especially aided by coming across some reading material* that is helping me dissolve the layers of programming I absorbed when I was young. Even then, the emotions I experience, even with my daily contemplation and reflection blunting their deleterious effects on my daily functioning, are incredibly uncomfortable to feel and express, and I can't say I haven't made some mistakes - I made plenty, and managed to learn from most of them. Before, when I was starting, it was hard and uncomfortable, and most likely very intense due to the "highly calibrated" nature such high functioning autism provides - now it's uncomfortable and a bit more intense, but much less difficult. I can work with uncomfortable and intense.

*Books mainly by R.J. Spina, Richard Dotts. The latest I-Ching incarnation known as the Gene Keys. Warning - non-dual concepts and terminology. If this doesn't resonate, ignore.

A few calendar years ago, my mom's work career took a nosedive - everybody was leaving and middle management expected her to do the work of 10 people. Of course, there were the signs of constant stress, then came her suicide threats a year into the ordeal, saying something to the effect of, "she wanted the angels to take her away".

Then came my own acting out of my own father's chicken-shit suicide threat. I felt very troubled, I didn't know how to deal with that specific pattern at the time, and I knew at some level that pattern wasn't right, and I knew I had been rehearsing that pattern for who-knows-how-long internally. What was not helping was the fact that my mom told me point-blank that I was the one making the experience bad for myself. First of all, no shit - I knew theoretically, given the spiritual material that I was reading, that this could have minimal effects on me. I just wasn't there yet, unless I was Jesus. And second, she was insisting that I was living the easy life while she was the one doing all the managing and maintenance of the family. Of course, I knew that excuse was complete horseshit on two levels - both of us were facing the exact same possibility of homelessness if a few things went wrong (I wasn't making much money even with my own job at the time), and two, that her problems were bigger than mine. However, I felt this deep field of belittlement and invalidation. I felt it was sinful to speak against it. That mix of patterns was very uncomfortable to reckon with. Thankfully a large piece of it fell off not too long ago, and I clearly remember feeling unbelievable relief and quiet within my mind and body. Still, the monkey mind is a persistent bastard. There were still layers that had yet to show themselves in my conscious awareness, which came to light last year.

Fortunately for Mom, she got out of the terrible work situation through a few lucky breaks, and managed to score a good retirement. Still, the suicide threats continued. She had one just this last year (I didn't speak up about that one), and I fully expect her to have another one of these come June or September, given the particular way she's wired to world and geological events in a way that easily overwhelms her system (I won't bother to explain nor expect you to believe it when I mention cosmic internet, but just roll with it, "it be how it is".). I also expect her to never own this pattern before her death.

I tried calling her out on her suicide threats once, a few months before her retirement, and told her how she was now putting me through the same hell that my father put her through. Her response: "Son, you don't know what real stress is until you lost your job with a kid to take care of", and, "so I can't be mad then?" I knew that she was doing her best to manage her situation, but she had zero excuse to act the way she was acting. I knew our situation at the time was a shitshow, and she also had a part in exacerbating it. I knew those excuses were total crapola, and yet I felt that intense feeling of invalidation and malicious contempt running through my brain and body that exacerbated my health issues at the time, which led to me forcing to quit my job last year. Even now I'm still dealing with it. She does not see the irony in her own words.

I'm sure some of you have heard some variation of these deleterious thoughts and emotions that have been spinning around in my head:

1.)"Don't speak up you'll lose your home/life"

2.)"She's not that bad, you're just over-reacting and over-ruminating."
3.)"If someone in the house is acting crazy, shut up. Otherwise you'll make them lose their retirements."
4.(when calling out others' bad behavior)"You're just mentally ill. You're not seeing reality."
5.)"Never set healthy boundaries."
6.)"There are many times where you will have to sacrifice healthy boundaries to maintain your work/financial/life situation"

I myself have heard each one at least 40 or so million times, the ones I consciously remember repeating in the last few years, so none of these are new to me. They've been there for 30 years, after all. The latter part of the thought labeled 2.) has been said by my mom in some way, shape or form at least several times. Another "no shit, I get it" moment.

Normally this is the part where I'd be questioned if I'd gone to therapy - I had when I was young, and know most of the terminology and patterns discussed there, and in this particular subreddit. I've also learned through the course of my life that the whole "do these mental exercises" most therapy prescribes does not work for me. Rather, all of the significant changes that have occurred for me were done by getting quiet in my own room and practicing gentle contemplation and observation of whatever I was willing to feel and work with for that day.

I know the ultimate conclusion of my struggle will come as I refine my own spiritual practice and continue "getting water and chopping wood", so to speak. For now, WIP.