Forcing myself into acceptance

Hello, i’m a frequent reddit lurker that scrolls to feel a little less alone when any of my illnesses flare up. After the week i’ve had I decided to finally get some things off my chest to a community of similar understanding.

For the longest time I knew my body didn’t want to cooperate with me. I’ve been diagnosed with a handful of things, most of the time they make life barely tolerable on a good day. Now it’s starting to hit me more than ever how close I am from teetering on the edge.

I’m 17 going on 18 in a few months, so a pretty big milestone to most people. On top of that I’ve been going back and forth on what university I should attend. This week, however, has brought me down completely. I’ve tried being in denial for months on end that maybe I could somehow push through things like living alone or frequently attending classes (I was homeschooled for most of my life + ended up missing a lot of days due to my chronic illnesses). I had so much hope I could make this work.

Then comes yesterday with the worst migraine attack i’ve ever experienced followed by passing out. Not uncommon for me but this pain was something I never felt before. My mother immediately brought me to the ER, I’m not new to the hospital either. This time just felt different. I spent the entire night for reasons I don’t even know the answer to just panicking. Could’ve been the fact I was on the verge of throwing up every five seconds (I have emetephobia despite having chronic nausea. Ironic, I know lmao.) but the conversation of my future inevitably came up between my mother and I in the hospital room.

I was so exhausted at this point that I had no energy to fight that silly hopefulness had left. So I simply told her I’ll no longer proceed with my plans to attend university and instead do something online. I desperately want to think otherwise. That maybe this is just me underestimating myself. But it’s not, I’m sick and always will be. There’ll never be a cure to this. My entire body hurts every day and it feels like a chore to even stabilise.

This isn’t the future I promised my younger self, and I don’t know how I can cope with the guilt. I’ll be discussing further with my therapist but wanted to let this off my chest here. Thank you to anyone who reads this. You are loved. Have a wonderful week.