Feeling like a misfit

TLDR at the bottom.

I’ve been catholic my whole life, but it wasn’t until high school that I made my faith my own. While I was raised catholic, it wasn’t until my adolescence that I had a conversion of heart. I believe I would have gone down a very secular path had I not had the influence of my parish priest.

Most of my family has fallen away at this point. I thought going to a catholic university would allow me to make good catholic friends, but the opposite happened. The fire I had for the faith attracted bullies.

Unsolicited comments were made repeatedly and was told I was too prideful, that I need to go to confession more (despite going regularly), on top of petty comments about my physical features, and slanderous attacks on my character. Church became my safe place. Jesus is my best friend. But, then I was told I pray too much. I never thought I would have that problem at a faithful Catholic college.

I ended up standing up for myself once during a bout of severe depression, but that was weaponized against me as evidence to rally more people to hate me. But, even years later the same bullies are relentlessly targeting me. I walked right in to a set up/humiliation ritual without realizing it a while ago and It’s haunted me since. I thought this person was a friend, but apparently they too were poisoned against me by the main bully. They insulted my family, insinuated that I’m a bully, manipulated me to reveal personal information I wanted to keep private, etc. It was mortifying and scary since I didn’t know how to leave without making it worse.

I already have PTSD from unrelated sexual/emotional abuse. Having to run into people who treat me like this is too much to handle. I don’t have a place in the church anymore. The only thing that keeps me going to church is the Blessed Sacrament. I’ve been so tempted to join another Christian church for community, but I would never do that because Jesus is not physically there.

For now, I find it near impossible to fit the mold of what a Catholic woman “should” be. It’s hard to imagine finding people who are both religious and non-judgmental/don’t participate in slander or detraction. No one has ever asked me for my perspective/experience in good faith. All I want is community, but it seems like it becomes farther out of reach the more I try to find it.

If anyone has any encouragement to offer I’d be so grateful. I’m also interested to know if anyone else has experienced this kind of orchestrated bullying and how you survived it.

TLDR: I’m a cradle Catholic with a history of trauma who wants community, but only ends up attracting bullies who make me feel hopeless in the pursuit of community and belonging in the church. Currently looking for hope and encouragement.