A funky day

Hi all. I recently joined this sub after being told by my therapist to consider getting evaluated for bipolar2. I’ve been reading a lot of the posts trying to find myself and my experience in them. I’m confused but also curious. Antidepressants never worked for me so I wonder if bipolar meds will?

Anyway, I wrote this today and wanted to share.

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I don’t know what I have but I know that it is a heavy burden I carry constantly

I’ve been labeled and treated

Tested and prodded

And my past is recognizably the culprit

Looming over me since I can remember

Impacting my entire existence

I have always wondered if it will ever get better?

Because there are moments where my life is wonderful & full of sunshine. I feel so grateful & over joyed

they always feel big, those moments

I remember that life is worth living

I will write with passion & fervor about the magic & the sparkles, crying tears of gratitude for holding on

I’ve always thought life was just a constant roller coaster for me. Up and down, twisting and turning… but never really a baseline, I don’t think

But what does a baseline look like? Maybe the answer is in the lack thereof

I don’t know

I don’t know

My moods always shift

Sometimes in hours

Sometimes weeks and months stuck in depression

My partner has always pointed that out

How quickly I can shape shift into irritability & despair

Since the fall I have felt myself succumbing to the depths of despair

Losing motivation & abandoning my projects

My dreams have dissipated with the clouds

I remember the excitement I used to feel as I shared all of my ideas giddily to him

and now I think about them and I feel nothing

Not true. I feel shame

Shame for abandoning myself, for not producing, for not succeeding, for not trying

For being a burden

where before my bed used to be my solace

Now video games are the only thing that make me feel better

and I shame myself for that too

why can’t I be normal? why has life always felt like such an uphill battle

like getting out of bed

Going to school / work

In high school I used to skip so much

That one of my teachers told me I would never make it as an adult

That stuck with me for years

These days I feel accomplished when I can get out of bed/ the couch

when I brush my teeth

when I cook a meal

Or when I don’t cancel on my friends

I ask my partner on the daily why he loves me?

do you think I’m useless?

am I a failure?

on a random Tuesday sometimes I wake up with energy & I feel ok

I wonder if this will last

And then the next day I’m down again

This has always been my normal

I don’t go outside and the curtains stay closed because I’m sensitive to the sun

I don’t go outside because the world is too noisy, the loud trucks are ugly and noisy

The people are annoying and too close to me

So I seek another label

Just to see if this one will have the remedy

one that finally helps

even if it means having to take another pill

and now as I type this out

I think maybe a little grace extended towards myself could help me too