A strong feeling of hopelessness

I am currently in a mental hospital and i really feel from the bottom of my heart that i am a failure with no future.

To bring some context, it has been 4 years that i suffer from various mental disorder (im 20), including generalized anxiety disorder, schizoaffective and recently social anxiety. I never attempted any kind of suicide during this whole time because i believed in a remission. Last year, i failed my competitive exam to join a school that i wanted because of a 4 months manic episode (and i lost all confidence of my intellectual abilities from it). I wanted to take a year to recover fully from everything, but i ended with 3 hospitalization and isolation. The worst part of this is the lost of the capacity to socialize, i am deeply unable to talk like before to someone that i just met, and even with my closest friends, it is very difficult to align a coherent sentence.

Next year, i attempt to join a law school, but because of my erratic past grades and my mental illness that weakened this year, i really believe that it is impossible to success (adding the fact that i didn't regain any confidence in my intelligence)

I recently started to make research to attempt an assisted suicide, but because of my country's legislation and the objective fact that i do not theorically suffer from an incurable depression, it isn't possible. The only thing that keeps me alive is the idea of my monther and aunt suffering from my suicide (and sometimes the fact that i gave everything to be alive).

Like i said, the worst part of my situation is the inability to meet new people because of my anxiety. I know the importance of having meaningful relationships and good support, which i am no longer able to form or feel properly because of this whole situation.

I also suffer from a deep inferiority complex regarding pretty much everything : my physique (tho i do not think that i am that ugly objectively, at leasy from what ppl tell me) , intelligence, social capacities, social perception of mental disorder. It's a deep feeling of being worthless and thinking that there's a hierarchy of people, where some are better than others by nature and that i am the bottom of the pyramid (which is strange because i am not the kind of person who puts any hierarchy on human value)

I really believe that there is some hope to a certain extent if im being honest, but for now i do not have the energy to do anything to improve my situation. Regain social confidence will take too long, my anxiety regarding my future is too omnipresent, and when i look back to the past 4 years, i lost more mentally than i gained.

The only energy that i gain during the days is to planify a suicide. I dont know what the next days will looks like, but i only "hope" to getting better with mood stabilizaters.