Im completly fcked

I feel weird writing this. I've always been a person who didn't dig into these kinds of problems, but I need help. I'm not going to go to a specialist. I feel kind of unreal writing this. I haven't felt this shitty in a long time. I feel the need to describe my story, but since I want someone to actually read it and give advice, I'll keep it short.

When I was 9 years old I saw porn for the first time (now I'm 17 and I'm still stuck in this shit). When I was 14 everything started like a fucking domino effect. It started with HOCD ( dealt with it in about a year and a half). In general, i probably have obsessive neurosis / OCD, but I've never been diagnosed. Depressive episodes too (also not diagnosed). Maybe I messed all of this up in my own head.

My main problem is defining myself. I was always funny (in my humble opinion), creative (this one is actually true). When someone messed with me, comebacks came out of me like from a machine gun. I often started messing with people myself in games, I liked trash-talking, it always came easily to me now i feel like retard. Maybe karma caught up with me?

Anyway, when I was around 14 everything started. I feel like I have several personalities. I know which one is the real one, but I can't keep it. Waking up in the morning is like spinning a wheel of fortune. Sometimes the right one shows up, and sometimes something else. Sometimes I can't even form a sentence properly, not to mention making a comeback.

Recently I started high school and there's this guy there who the old me would destroy in three sentences, and now it's better if I don't say anything because I'll embarrass myself. Thinking is harder, sentence structure - like I said - depends on the day. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. It's so exhausting. It's been like this for three years, damn, how long can this go on?

I don't know what else I can write. In my head it feels like I could write three pages of A4, but when I try to put it into text there's just emptiness, like it's whistling. If someone is reading this, please give some advice or tell im crazy. goodnight

edit: i need to include that is my brain doubting everything that i really wasn't that good in trashtalking, i wasn't really creative, i didnt specially like something (like some childhood passion that fades away) i thought that i have strong mental but this shit is destroying me