Anxious Workaholics - Learning to not care?

Hey folx,

I’m here to try and find others who might relate or provide some advice. I’ve been on my own since I was 15 (don’t worry I’m in therapy!) and not shockingly my coping mechanism has been to GRIND professionally. My mother was a drug addict, my father has a TBI, and they both bailed on me in their own ways after getting divorced.

With zero family support, I have two bachelor's, an MBA, and professional licensure (all done while working FT). I’ve spent 10+ years at the same company, working my way into a senior leadership position that pays great. I was always good at it, but “good” in my industry is often a way of rewarding those who are willing to give up work/life balance. If I had a superpower, it would be my ability to put my head down and work, convincing myself that financial security was the only way I would ever feel safe.

Here I am in my mid 30s, realizing I don’t know who or what I am other than my job. I made work my life out of preservation and have my entire self-worth tied up in it. I now find myself paralyzed by not knowing how to move forward. I’m burnt out, depressed, anxious (all the things) from the weight of large decisions and possible mistakes I need to own. I’m accountable for everything at the company, including tough client conversations. Unfortunately, my anxiety and trauma tell me that facing those mistakes is the same as facing direct criticism of me. I am financially safer than I have ever been, yet here I am feeling as exposed as I was at 15 with 2 dollars to my name.

Every part of me wants to quit, but that just feels like another way to avoid it. That being said, I am greatly considering it. Having time off sounds incredible, but I also don’t want to throw the baby out with the bathwater by quitting in such an awful job market (luckily, my spouse works, no kids, and we do have savings, but it still doesn’t feel like a smart idea). Again, quitting feels like quitting my entire personality.

Would love some advice from those who have lived this.