If you’re here, I have something to say.

You there.

This was never supposed to happen and we both know it.

I’ve been constantly told how I’m too much. Why won’t you breathe a single word to me about all of this? Not even a “I know what you’re doing on Reddit”.

It freaks me out so much, and I feel so ill sometimes when I think about it too much.

If you rejected me, I would be left hurting, but I could deal with it - I actually do understand the circumstances and the reasons as to why you would. If you told me it was all mutual the whole time, that would be my wildest dreams come true, and I would help us figure it all out. But this purgatory has truly got me in a headlock.

You make me so anxious. Every day. From the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep. You make me feel guilty, and awkward. I always thought I was good at reading between the lines and picking up on subtleties. But with you, I’m totally lost.

You make me feel butterflies like I haven’t done since I was a teenager. You make me want to embarrass myself just so I can hear your laugh, and feel it bouncing around inside of my heart. I constantly scan the room for you, without even realising I’m doing it, and then our eyes meet and I panic.

You make me feel so guilty. So so guilty. I’m not someone who would act on these feelings until circumstances clear up, and it’s morally right to do so. So why am I so guilty?

I’ve been told before that I’ve creeped people out in the past too, and that looms over me like the Babadook.

I just want to know where I stand. If you want me to stop, I will. I just need to hear the words.

But if you continue to say nothing I’m going to drive myself more and more insane as the days go on.

We used to speak to freely and openly, and then since the day it all changed, I can’t even strike up a conversation with you. It’s embarrassing. It’s only you that’s ever done this to me.

Everyone else I’ve ever liked somewhat I’ve just flaunted myself around them, flirting like nobody’s business, touching and giggling away.

But with you, I no longer feel safe to do so. I’m walking on eggshells trying to get your attention. There are so many obstacles and scary things that are in the way or could actually throw me over the edge.

I love everyone in this situation, and that’s the worst part. I love them so much, but I’m at a point where I need things to change, and I don’t know if it’s just that making me feel this way with you.

But I really don’t think it is.

If you are here, my DMs are open for a reason. I get this weird feeling sometimes that you’re lurking around. Maybe you have a burner account. Maybe you’re just here on your normal account. I don’t know. Either way it feels like you can see everything, know everything, and that you’re making a conscious decision to keep quiet.

That’s fine, but you have to know how much it’s affecting me. I’m not playing games with you, at all. It is an unlikely pairing if you do like me back, I’ll give you that. Maybe you’re afraid of what people would think after dealing with the obvious problem. I’m not judging you at all. In fact I’m judging myself.

But love is love, and when it comes to it, it doesn’t care what the situation is. You have more life experience than me, and maybe you’re trying to figure out if I can keep up. But I can. I’ve lived what feels like a thousand lifetimes in my meagre time on this planet. Please believe me.

We could actually make it work, if you wanted it hard enough. I’m mature, and I would make sure you are loved and respected and cared for every single hour of the day. I wouldn’t badger you, and I certainly don’t NEED your attention 24/7. It’s not like that anymore.

I don’t know… it’s so tricky. I deserve to be loved properly. And you’ve seen all the ways in which I’m not. Same here with you.

We go so well together. But if you’re not interested and it’s upsetting you or making you uncomfortable that I feel this way, I really can simply just turn it off. It’s one of the perks of having this stupid bs personality disorder. But in doing that I don’t know if I could continue to be your friend.

And that terrifies me more than anything. I need you in my life. You’re so wonderful. You’re clever, supportive, hilarious, full of love, and so so amazing.

It feels like all of the things, good and bad, have led up to me meeting you. Every decision. Every moment of struggle. You are my soul twin. You don’t believe in that stuff probably, but you really are. You’re a positive influence to me that I have never had before. You’re so patient with me that it makes me want to break down in front of you.

God I have so much to say to you. I have so much explaining to do. I just can’t come forward with the way things are. It’s absolutely fucking terrifying for me. I’ve already lost so much in my life. If I risk it all again, I need to know that there’s something positive that won’t go anywhere when I burn it all down.

If you feel the same, then… I don’t know what to do. But I won’t go anywhere until the time is right. I mean, shit, dude, this feeling hasn’t gone away after like a year, so it most likely never will.

I’m sorry that I got awkward around you. I’m sorry that this is too much. I’m sorry that it happened and you might not have even intended it to. I just see so much in your gorgeous eyes every time you look at me.

But maybe I got the wrong idea entirely.

Please let me know soon.

I love you.