time forgot about us.

i miss you all the time. hesitantly i look at old photos and suddenly the breeze feels like 2021 again. there is a slight gold tint to the world and i have to wear a light jacket in my 2004 shitbox with no airbags. you text me that you love me and i dont hear from you for 3 days. you come over for 5 hours and i dont see you again for 2 weeks. i miss you all the time in 2021. we drive 4 hours south and you get your first tattoo. its a lion because your last name is similar. i think its a non apt metaphor because youre too nice. we drive 4 hours north and suddenly im back home and alone. next time i see you we talk about doc martens and you wear a grateful dead shirt but have never listened to them. i drop you off at home and you dont say i love you. i dont see you for a week. i process a decade old death and call you to talk about it and you end things. we meet at the same park we took photos in a week ago. you have too much going on in your life and im not understanding of what it means to be an adult with real problems. i tell you i never want to see you again. its a lie. it felt good to say, but its a lie. and it comes true. i never see you again. i mail you a letter some years later at the behest of a 12 step program and i dont hear anything back. the lie is now our truth and my only connection is when the sun comes out the right way and the dusk feels gold again. i find peace in myself but turmoil in my life. im across the county in a place we wanted to move to together. i wonder what youre up to but have no way to contact you. days turn to weeks turn to months turn to years. at some point, decades. i wonder if ill always feel this way. i wonder if you even think about me.