Musings

Hello, loves. As you can most likely see from my posts, and if you’re lucky enough to have access to me on other platforms, you will see that I’ve hit a bit of a lull. A dip in energy. I had been having a really difficult time, mental health is real for us too.

 

But, the low was not just the chemicals in my brain fucking off, but a dip in energy, desire, and feeling lost and adrift. This was partly due to a volatile and toxic dynamic that got messy and every life lesson and instinct that has done me so well in the past, that had protected me, failed. I bent my rules, didn’t hold my boundaries, and lost sight of who I was and what I am doing. And while all this is going on, I also have vanilla, IRL to handle. Major life changes, relationship evolutions, and the person that I am, the way that I handle things, is alone. Alone, and quietly. I like to analyze EVERYTHING. I need to understand, make connections, find the patterns, so that I can unravel and be prepared for the “next” time. I need to solve the puzzle before I can move on. I need a resolution.

 

This time, though, in my isolated musings, I realized that this combination of feelings, events, relationships and everything… I realized that my Domination style has evolved, shifted. My desires, how I seek and what I seek in subs and dynamics has evolved. I realized that I had been too chaotic, too accepting, too excited, and too soft.

 

Soft. That word in this space is quite polarizing, interestingly enough. I marketed, and fit, into a “Mommy Domme/Soft Domme” vibe easily. I was (and still mostly am) warm, comforting, sweet, nurturing, etc, didn’t like to humiliate too harshly, enjoyed mixing praise and degradation (still do honestly, there’s something about breaking down while building up at the same time 🥴), was happy to chat and chat to make sure we were a good fit. Never pushed for tribute, never pushed for payment, participated in findom and femdom, made all the mistakes.

 

I kept trying to convince myself that it was just the SADs, just my mental health, I know how to pull myself out of it, it’ll end soon. And the weeks kept going by, and I couldn’t find the desire to post, to entice, to engage. I was becoming angry, frustrated.. why do I feel so adrift? Why can’t I find that satisfaction, that excitement!? I kept trying to force myself to fit into the box that I had started in.

 

But, as much as I’m like a cat, I can’t fit into any box. I’m like a.. crab (Just call me Mistress Claw 😂) Or a maybe more like a Pokémon. I’ve evolved. And I think I have many more to come.

 

I kept trying to situate myself in a space I didn’t fit anymore. Put on a skin that I had already shed. And I just kept getting more and more down, more and more depressed. I wasn’t finding joy, I was starting to engage in toxic behaviors, all while asking myself, “Why can’t I get out of this??”. I thought, maybe I don’t like Domming anymore.. no, that doesn’t feel right. Maybe I this.. maybe I that.. nope none of those. So what did I do?

 

I left Discord, I limited interactions with people, I stopped posting and I’ve just been existing in whatever way feels right for that day. I have several people that I miss dearly, my wives, the friends that I’ve made and connections I’ve started cultivating. But I’m changing, and growing, and I don’t know where that is going to take me.

 

What I do know, is that right now, the most Dominant thing I can do is ensure that I feel confident and secure in the way that I occupy this space in my new form. I can’t lead, can’t be the best Domme to any sub, if I am feeling lost myself. I need to focus on me, myself, and I.

 

So all this to say, feel free to lurk, feel free to chat with me. You might see me posting, or not. I might be involved in conversations, or not. Right now, I’m occupying this space in the way that speaks to me, that makes me feel good, for me and only me. But I am not accepting subs at this time, nor am I offering sessions.

 

I’ll be adding a new and updated about me, as I thought that was what this was going to be…. whoops!