always anxious & procrastinating & hating my life

I know its annoying to hear people complain about their lives and do nothing about it but I feel incredibly paralyzed.

I have struggled with this for so long and i do not know how to combat it anymore. When something that im anxious about is coming up, I feel paralyzed by my fear and it takes me so long to do it. And, when I finally do it, It feels like I have overcome such a deep wave of anxiety.

i feel jittery and restless most of the time and i found that whenever i get high it goes away and i love that so much but i do not want to rely on that because its bad.

im intimidated and anxious about so many things in my life. for example, in school, i get really nervous because i have to sit with and communicate with really pretty girls that absolutely love themselves. they are so kind and smart and funny but it makes me very anxious because i feel like i have to act a certain way but in reality i do not. its all in my head and im just too anxious.

i present myself like im outgoing and extroverted but i suffer so much.

I dont have access to things like a therapist or a counselor because my family makes me ashamed of feeling this way.

my brother is also suffering and going through bad stuff mentally and all the spotlights on him but it hurts because i wish i was paid attention to that way.

i just feel like most of my problems are because of school because whenever i have a break like winter recess or something I am very happy and significantly less anxious.

my bestfriend is also dating the boy i had a crush on and i love her but it just hurts me so much because shes my bestfriend and shes beautiful and kind and perfect and im none of those things. i also just hate seeing them everyday I FUCKING HATE IT and i hate it so much i become envious of her and full of so much jealousy that is so unhealthy. i am happy for her and the relationship but i want to be happy for it at distance because it is emotionally painful for me and it keeps tearing me down.

ANYWAY, i feel stuck and empty and fat and ugly.

LOL ummmm well yeah

ok bye.