times my adhd won

im a medical assistant, and these are some funny and embarrassing moments where i spoke before i thought at work.

-a patient came in for sti testing and said his partner tested positive for "some bacteria" but wouldn't tell him what it was and i said "that's because she's probably lying" and immediately was like shouldn't have said that. worst part is he was like "really? you think so?" and i couldn't stop myself from doubling down. like Sigourney weaver did to those boys, i dug my hole.

-we have to get urine samples for every patient and i had someone who had never done it before. she asked me how she was supposed to get the urine in the cup and i said "honestly, just aim and pray" while making a squatting pose.

-i asked a patient what her plans were for the rest of the day and she said "i have to go downtown to finalize my divorce." and i said "oh, congratulations!" i was saved by the fact that she found it hilarious and said i was the first person who understood her.

-one time i was drawing up a urine sample and turned to my coworker and asked "what if urine was carbonated and came out of us like a soda fountain?" and he was genuinely stunned for a good 15 seconds.

-i didn't say anything this time, thank god, but i had a patient who was really hard to understand, not like a language barrier way, i just could not parse his words. i remember thinking "what the hell kind of speech impediment is this?" turns out he didn't have a speech impediment, he was just from massachusetts.

-called a patient a "throat goat" while doing their pharyngeal swab for sti testing. patient died laughing and said it was the highest compliment theyve received at a doctor's appointment.

-accidently went out of my scope or practice during report with a clinician. patient was being seen for recurring yeast infections and had done multiple rounds of diflucan and monistat. i was trying to say "the patient requested to try a different medication." what i actually said was "she's been on four rounds of the 'fluc, so let's try something different." i got a talking to about that one, but i apologized and we're all good now.

-patient told me about a very traumatic experience and i, trying to be supportive, super awkwardly put my hand on her knee in a "there, there" gesture (her legs were crossed and facing me). i quickly realized what i did, turned beet red, apologized, and walked out of the room as fast as i could.