I've gotten so fat. Yet i still can't stop eating

eating at strict times is impossible for me because sometimes i get so hungry that i eat >!800 kcal "breakfasts"!<, and due to executive dysfunction i find it impossible to have a regular sleep schedule.

i'm >!168 cm tall!<. i weighed >!73 kg!< at age 12. when i was 13 i lost to >!65!< due to a few attempts to walk more and restrict calories. when i was 14 my weight eventually gotten to >!52!< or something >!20K steps per day , <1200 kcal most days but big binge eating 2-3 times a week!<. ages 15 to 18 going back and forth between losing to >!BMI 15.5-16 on 1200 to 1500 kcal per day and gaining it back to BMI 18!< due to extreme hunger. but age 18 onwards the extreme hunger didnt stop i now weigh >!58.4 kg!< and i still have it it has lasted for 1.5 years so far, i feel so doomed.

i feel constant body dysphoria. i want to be a skinny twink so badly. "boy dinner" memes or people who say they forget to eat or that they hate eating and live off sweets and energy drinks for energy only trigger me.

any attempt to diet is unsuccessful. i make myself exercise three times a day. at this point i feel more like a miserable unsuccessful dieter gaining weight despite wanting/trying to lose it.