feeling worthless and down

23 year old intersex/genderfluid person here. AFAB. and i just really dislike being this way. i struggled with being verbal. i'm an extrovert and often seen as charismatic, outgoing, but i'm silent in my room when i get home because existing is overstimulating.

i like academia, but the lack of structure is causing me to spiral as i struggle to finish my master's. the dysfunctionality of the laboratory i work in has caused me many setbacks.

it has always been my dream to get a PhD, but now i'm terrified if i'll be able to handle it when i'm someone who desperately needs clear rules and structure. as it is, i am supposed to graduate May 15th and i have not even written my thesis draft. i have all the data i need and my proposal passed last semester, but i'm frozen by extreme executive dysfunction.

being autistic is so hard. i struggle with navigating social situations, especially s*x and romance. i genuinely can't tell when people or lying or using me until the damage is already done. i don't know how to identify the signs before or during. this has led to a lot of bad relationships, including instances of SA and abuse.

i just don't want to be around? i don't know. let me know if this is against rules. i feel empty every day. no point in continuing in this life