Spiraling down (I think this is unconsciously a cry for help)

Hey guys this gonna sound dark but people say that reddit is like the place for things like that so I'm just shooting my shot for a chance to be understood and heard I hope

So I'm a teen kinda, I'm 18 and all my life I just wanted one thing it's to be loved, I always gave so much love, to my friends or people in general but they never loved me the same and I think it got worse when I fell in love for the first time. So yeah long story short I'm gay, and I fell in love with this boy in high school he was so perfect, so dreamy, you know the kind of boy that makes you fall in love with him without even noticing, like you start to misinterpret his every moves and his every words.

But I think the real reason why I was so obsessed with him is because he was giving me attention, he was checking on me every time, he was always so sweet to me and generous it's like it wasn't one sided​​​ anymore, but you know he wasn't into boys, broke my heart, I became suicidal a little but yeah it took a LOT of time but I'm over it now

But the thing is I want to be loved so much I've always watched rom coms with jealousy cause I wanted that to be me I even watched heart stopper recently and I had to stop it cause they make it look so fucking easy when it's total hell back here. I also realize that I don't like myself actually I hate myself ​​, I hate every single fiber of my being and maybe the reason why I want someone to love me so bad is because I can't do it on my own... But yeah idk I have no one to talk to about that.

Nobody knows I'm gay and I don't want it to be otherwise cause I don't want people to see me differently cause specially in my entourage gays come with a package of stereotypes and it's true that I'm gay but I don't want that to be the only thing to define me, like yes I'm gay but I'm also a swimmer, I'm also a painter and a photographer in my spare time like I'm so many things at the same time but I feel like being gay erase all of that to just give you only one label that you gonna keep your whole ass life. ANYWAY I've talked enough if you read this thank you so much it means a lot​​​​​​