The fear of people only using my pronouns and calling by my name because I tell them to, not because they want to and see me as man (Tw : gender dysphoria ?)

I was feeling really sad and down today. It’s been a while now since I started talking about my trans identity with someone I’ve known for some time, someone who’s close to a parental figure, but not quite. It’s also been several months (3 months) since I began my social transition. I’ve been signing all my emails and messages with my real name, Aurélien, and using masculine pronouns for myself (in my mother tongue, adjectives are gendered, so that’s very noticeable). Honestly, I was already doing that regularly even before I came out or fully accepted I was trans, I used to think they were just “mistakes,” lol. However she still regularly calls me by my deadname, even when we’re alone, and keeps gendering me as female.

I know I probably need to be more explicit and correct her. But it feels like she would do it just because I tell her to do it. Seeing me as woman that "use masculine pronouns and a fictional username" instead of actually seeing me as the man that I am. And I don’t know why, but it hits me so hard, like when I was back to square one, even though I’ve been so much happier since I started transitioning. (or not "happy"- not like excited, more like a "peaceful" feeling, my mind finally feels clearer since transitioning, kind of way)

Especially when she calls me again, again, and again by this name, that isn't mine. It feels like she, or people in general, is not really talking to me when they call me by this name. And now that I think about it, it’s the same when anyone genders me feminine. I don't know why. And I feel even a little emotional thinking about it.

It's not because I’m only out to my friends and not to the rest of the world yet (not medically transitioning, not having my names changed, or "gender" changed in administrative papers) that I should still feel like I don’t exist. I'm here. Address me. And I feel like I'm so tired of being perceived as a woman who’s just “playing dress-up”- and that’s not bad in itself, I love and respect my cis and trans sisters who sometimes do that - but I think it hurts personally because I feels like people are seeing someone who’s supposed to be someone else, who's not supposed to be me.

I feel like people only use my name and correct pronouns just because I asked them to. But they don't see me as I am. I just want to seen as I am. As Aurélien, just Aurélien. Because it is what it is. Not having people see me as [deadname] who has “Aurélien” as some username or character.

Even the idea that people see my own identity, my very existence, that I really feel like is physically here (I even want to write "my own flesh" , because I feel this so strongly in my body, but now i'm thinking about it, I don't have the body of a man lol) is only (maybe) a character i'm playing, and something that is not connected to me, or something that I'm "still not", gives me a feeling of body horror (I know it sounds weird, but I don’t know how else to explain it - those words I think really fit what I mean), and make me feel physically sick.

Maybe I should just stop thinking about it, lol, because I feel like I’m going to scream. I feel like wanting to just dissociate and let people call me whatever they want.

God, maybe I'm just too depressed lately. I don’t know what’s happening to me - even my writing feels off. I’m not usually like this. At the same time, I feel happier than ever... but also so much more in pain than before. Maybe because at least before, I was hiding on purpose. Now I’m not hiding anymore, but people don’t see me. And sometimes it feels like I’m disappearing, like I stop existing for a split second. And that feeling makes me want to cry all night.

Sorry, this ended up way longer than I expected, lol. Maybe it’s too long and no one will reply, but I at least hope some people will find it relatable.