Unsure what to do.

Good morning Reddit,

Please excuse the bad grammar.

Pre amble- I(40M) military at the time, have 2 children S & J (13m & 17F) with my ex "Anne"(44F)SAHM- we split up 2012 before son was born. We discussed we either had to work on our faults or we were not compatible. Anne chose to leave(using social services for emergency housing).(not an issue, just context) we decided 50/50 custody no court order and I would pay child support. she took me to court for more child support. she submitted false financials.i pointed it out in court and no order was produced. she dropped the case/review. I still paid the support I was paying. she claimed all of the child benefits. she requested to move 5 hours south nearer to her hometown and step father. I agreed and was responsible for transportation to and from her location. after a few months she received notice of eviction 2 times, I helped out. on the 3rd time she did not tell me. she had my aunt(A1) from an hour away come get the kids. Seeing the state of the house(garbage everywhere stinky, kids in dirty clothes) my aunt called me and let me know and got me to pick up the kids from her house. I discussed with Anne and she wanted time to sort things out. I became a single dad while in the military. A few years go by with sparse contact from Anne(a call every few months). I intend to release from the military. I met a lady and dated for 2 years. we break up after 2 years(I moved in with her and the day I moved in found out she was cheating on me with 4 other guys((one even lived with her for months(((it was a semi long distance relationship, she lived a hour away from me. we saw each other a minimum of 3 times a week, at both houses))) I don't know how I never saw anyone else at her place or any signs)) no red flags from family or friends). by this point I had left the military shortly after we had started dating. after I moved out from her house I moved in with my uncle and aunt(A2) for a couple of months until I got on my feet and got a new job and house in the city. I stayed single until 2016 when my now wife "Angel" (32F) moved in as a roommate. well we quickly spent all night talking and doing general family things. she is great with the kids and the kindest nicest person I know. she was accepted into our family and I proposed. we are currently happily married with a 8 yo son(YS) between us.

Anne moved back to the city I live in around 2018.(in the previous years she lived at a YWCA and random guys houses around her home town, she was doing drugs and generally not good things). she had stopped doing drugs and was slowly getting in contact with the kids my wife knew of our history and embraced the kids mother connecting with the older kids. Well "S" had been diagnosed with O.D.D. 2018ish and caused a lot of issues. he was in behavioral school and therapy, and playologist (therapy centered around playing). (he used to have freakouts and break things or try and harm himself((like lift his bed and slam it on himself or tip his dresser on himself, or hit himself, even saying lies and getting CPS involved(schools are mandatory reporting)))he was a terror some days and the sweetest boy others. my wife dealt with this as best she could. one morning "S" had a particularly bad morning as she was getting the kids ready for school. she had called my sister over to help hold him from hurting himself and others and called me to come home from work. we kept Anne informed on "S" behaviors and therapy and such. Anne criticized my wife for her handling it and that it wasn't hard to get him ready for school. my wife snapped and said " if it's so easy then you do it". Well, Anne took that to heart and started showing up at 7 am helping get the kids ready for school. it was weird but it worked. having the extra person's help was great. made life easier. unconventional but it worked.

a few years later 2022 ish we had a flood. Anne and my wife had become friends from interacting every day pretty much. after the flood we had to move housing. my wife and Anne suggested we consider getting a bigger house and better location. Anne was now on disability. I am fairly laid back Things have been pretty good for the past few years. "S" had been doing better. had gotten out of the behavioral class and was in normal school. The wife was just starting a new job. everyone figured it was a good idea. YS even called Anne "aunty Anne". everyone's logic was the bigger the village the more support for the kids. the kids didn't have to have a daycare, the older two got their mom, everyone saved money and everyone shared chores. again I understand very unconventional but It worked. took a year but we found a great house excellent location and pet friendly. We all moved in.

The issue with ODD is you need clear rewards and punishments. so yes I was a bit stricter with YS than the rest But my wife,I or Anne did not think overboard. after living in the new house for 2 years(now 2025) Anne had become very negative and mean to YS(example, the other kids could try some of her snack but he couldn't, being extremely short with YS, not aloud to bring toys to the living room, no being loud or running on the main floor of the house, she had grounded YS from the table chair because he can't sit still and I cancelled it because he's a freaking kid(S had a similar thing from me prior but his was because he broke the chair, he just had to fix it((I had the tools and equipment to do so and had showed him how to previously as he had broken the chair prior as well, but he is stubborn)).)anne says he does not listen to her. Angel and I had talked with YS about listening, but it persisted on her end. the older two kids had noticed how Anne was acting to him and had talked to Anne as well. my sister also had when she came to visit. I started saying much more vocally when I thought she was overstepping or overruling her decisions or punishments.

this all came together one day YS was going around measuring things with a measuring tape. Anne got mad and said he can't do that. I overruled and said no he's just measuring things he's allowed. she got mad and said S never got to(which is a lie as the tape measure was his). S interjected between and i. I stood up from the couch and asked S to head to his room as this is not for him to join in. Anne ran at me screaming don't you hit him. I haven't moved from when I stood up(side context I think between the three kids I've maybe spanked maybe 3 times( I've given a flick on the forehead or swat a hand if they were being dumbasses or stole). I stood there as Anne went in-between the couch and I and started screaming in my face. the whole time I was asking S to please go upstairs. YS had ran out to the front yard as soon Anne started screaming. I accept I didn't accept it well and probably could have walked away but I pushed Anne so she sat on the couch and wasn't yelling in my face. I regret that every day. the look of horror on S face was heartbreaking. he just yelled you don't ever hit my mom(again I didn't hit I pushed(her knees were against the couch and she sat down). hell breaks loose she called the police screaming how she fears for her life. I called my wife(she had run to the grocery store and decided to get donuts before returning). cops came everything explained. no arrests or anything. I did not want to talk to Anne for a bit and kept my distance. A week goes by. im at work, I get a. call from my wife saying Anne had called her saying it's all her fault and CPS says she has to leave. I leave work and no one is home. my daughter phones me and asks if I can pick up YS from her school. Anne had dropped YS off at my daughter's HS and left. I pick him up and ask J what the heck was going on. her mom had told her that she had to move out because otherwise they(CPS) would take all the kids. Anne had taken "S" and left. I heard nothing from either. I called CPS and confirmed a file was opened(they wouldn't tell me what the complaint was) but they confirmed they had told her if she feared she had the rights to do whatever she felt was necessary to protect. I heard nothing until my wife had gotten in contact with Anne and found out they had moved into emergency housing on the opposite side of the city. "S" won't talk to me(he is 13yo now) I was left with my wife and daughter and YS to pick up the pieces. nothing came from the CPS complaint. I do not have the money to fight. I do not have the energy to fight for a child that does not want to be around or even talk to me. he still talks to YS on the phone or my family. he has gotten gifts from us and family. he has done events and stuff with my wife and kids. still no talking to me. he has expressed to his sister he would like to come over for her birthday. I would love to talk to him. to hold and love him. I also don't want to ruin my daughter's 17th birthday. it sounds bad that part of me is relieved that he is not here causing problems, saying falsities and having us investigated. a bigger part of me misses him so much. the tape measure incident happened at the end of September, it is now February. I want him to feel welcomed and loved. I am also worried this is some sort of plot by Anne and him. I am worried this will turn into a big thing. I don't know how to handle this. I had care and control of him for 11 years. I honestly was not scared to lose my life in war, but this terrifies me. I just want everyone to be happy and get along. I talk to my wife and try and figure things out but I still am unsure. WWYD.

I have never stopped the kids from going to see or talk to their mother, I do not badmouth her.( my parents had a very messy divorce). I hated every bit of it. I didn't talk to my father from 17-30 because of this.

TLDR- ex took kid and kid won't talk to me but wants to come over for sister birthday and it terrifies me.