He said he needs respect

So he’s refused to have sex with me for over a year. I’ve left then come back multiple times, we’ve had the talks, blah blah blah. We haven’t had sex for OVER A YEAR and I’m in my 20s.

Two weeks ago, I asked to plan sex… he told me the date and time that would work for him, great! I shaved, did my hair and makeup, went to the store and bought champagne and condoms, put kiddo to sleep so carefully in a different room so we could use the bed… then he said he’s not doing it. It BROKE ME. Everything feels like a humiliation ritual.

Two weeks go by..

I ask why? Why does this happen? Why aren’t my needs being met? And he said it’s because his needs aren’t being met… he NEEDS me to go to the gym. Y’all, I weigh 10lbs more than when we met 3 years ago.

Okay, great… that triggers something unhealthy in me. I lost 16lbs in a month. Still no action.

Okay… so I ask why the hell wont you have sex with me?? He said it’s because now he needs RESPECT. How and WHY would I respect you when you weaponize intimacy? I don’t respect him. I will never respect him. He cheated through my pregnancy and refused to touch me for the last 12 months (I’m 2 years postpartum). I will NEVER respect or forgive him.

That being said, for those that have left… how do you get the courage to meet new people? Do you tell a new hookup that you haven’t been touched in a long time? Or just fumble through it and pray for the best?

I’m broken, but I’m focusing on the anger more than anything right now to get me through it. When does the pain go away? :(