I realized why im afraid to be abandoned

I always kind of knew but I didn't look too deep because I was looking for someone to blame, and there is one..or rather two people that made me so afraid of being wanted and loved.

Its not their fault, they tried to be the best parents they could be, things could have been better, they could have chosen many different decisions but they had to make those ones didnt they? I guess it is selfish to want your parents to choose to be with you instead of going to work, i mean its not like I will remember those parent-teacher meetings anxiously waiting for at least one of them to arrive while I see my classmates play with their parents and showing them their drawings, or my awards ceremony, mom was there... at first, and then she had to choose work over me, it just couldnt wait, right? or that spelling bee competition, I dont remember which one was there, but I do remember seeing my 4th place award in the trash.

Anytime i told her about something i found interesting my mother had that look on her face, it told me that I needed to get to the point, that I was losing her, I was being boring, and that the climax will hook her right in and I would be prepared to answer all questions she had, so I learnt to only speak when there was something really interesting to say, I looked up all kinds of interesting facts, outrageous facts that sounded like a lie, and then I would prove to her that they were real.

On very rare occasions she actually asked about them and it made my whole day. Dad did care, or atleast was worried that being raised by my mom would make me less of a man, maybe i didn't understand him at the time, maybe he did have good intentions, but he was quite an unreadable man, he always had a grumpy face, those eyebrows rarely lifted, he rarely smiled and its unfortunate that I forgot what made him smile and laugh. I couldn't tell if he was listening to me or trying to find the lie in my words, but when I talked about mom he was focused, he asked what she did with the money he sent, did she buy me what I needed, did she buy something nice for herself, and anything about her.

Neither parent was satisfied, mom wanted me to strive for more, dad wanted me to be manly, mom looked for any way to ditch me with someone in some random place and dad only cared if it was expensive, mom was too busy working to be for me and dad reminded me of how hard his life was.

Now, mom only bothers me to help her pay bills, she still makes that look, atleast she seems to be getting closer to creating the business that will make her life better and dad seems to be getting closer to that age where he will need someone to take care of him, im starting to wonder if now he truly cares about me or just needs someone to lift the heavy stuff for him.

Sometimes she will actually be listening to me and then she seems to remember what kind of creature she has in her life and looks away from me, almost like im less of the son she has and more of like a creature resembling her son. Its like she thinks that if she gives me too much attention I will latch unto her leg and become a burden to her.

Anyways, its time to leave this place and figure out it as I go along.