Fed up with myself - a rant in several parts

Hi gang. As the title suggests, I need to rant because my brain, nervous system, and stubbornness are having a war and so far the stubbornness is losing rapidly.

Why do I suck?! Okay that’s not constructive. Why do I freeze when working on the canter? It’s ridiculous. I’ve been riding almost 4 years (I’m 43 if that matters) and at some point you’d think I’d have gotten comfortable with it. For the life of me I can’t stop being nervous/scared/anxious enough to just let it happen!

That’s not true. There have been several times during my lessons when I’ve felt free and confident. A couple of times with one of my favourite school horses I felt like I could fly - I was stretched so tall and grinning!

And yet here I sit, in tears, because I can’t get that feeling back. I know this winter (Ontario, Canada) has been pretty brutal, and I know it’s impacted how the horses feel about everything. But dammit!! Like I know I’m not a great rider - comes with the territory of starting at 40 and knowing you don’t bounce as well as the youngins - but I genuinely love to ride and I adore being around horses. I can’t afford more than one lesson per week right now which I know hinders my progress.

Please tell me I’ll get over this. Reassure me a lapse in confidence is normal. At this point I’d do anything to feel happy again after a lesson.

Signed, an adult amateur with high expectations of self and her overactive anxiety.