Missing her

Feeling rough tonight. Dwelling a bit on the end, and something stupid I said a few months before she died. My daughter asked me if I would rather have Andrew back or keep Lemmy. Andrew was my bunny who died when I was pregnant with my daughter. Losing him was devastating. Lemmy was my soul cat, brought into our lives 5 years after Andrew died. I loved them both, but still felt the pain of Andrew’s loss and said that I would trade Lemmy for him. It was a stupid thing to say. And now I don’t have either of them. It feels like I put bad energy out and spoke it into reality. I don’t believe in gods or afterlives, and I know dwelling on that thought is pointless and I didn’t make it happen, but I feel like I betrayed her and now I don’t get to have her either. I miss her so much. I miss Andrew too but the pain is fresher for Lemmy.