Dr. said he isn’t sure what state I’ll be in by the summer

I’m actively in recovery and receiving outpatient treatment for anorexia nervosa. I see my Primary Care, a Dietitian, Therapist, and Cardiologist.

My BMI is extremely low (I know BMI is tricky and not necessarily a conclusive determination of my overall health but whatever). I was in the ER a couple months ago after vomiting around the clock for several days. It was awful, and that experience essentially forced me into recovery… at least mentally.

One of my Doctors had to talk to my Mom. I’m 30 years old, but my Doctor has met her in the past and was extreme concerned about my health.

He told her that he’s “unsure of where I’ll be in 4-5 months” due to how underweight I am.

I’m trying so hard to get better. Not necessarily for myself, but for everyone around me. I personally do not want to give it up completely. But on the other hand, it genuinely feels out of my control most of the time. All I think about is meal planning. When am I going to eat next? What am I going to eat? Do I want this, or that? What if I eat what I want but it makes me feel sick? What if, what if, what if. All the time.

Along with the eating disorder, I have a problem with alcohol. I drink about 1.5 bottles of wine to myself, every night. And I wake up needing to drink often. I’ve gone periods of time not drinking, but I always end up back at the liquor store after a few weeks. Ugh, fuck. I know I need to stop and I’m going to, I just think I need to taper a bit to avoid serious/dangerous withdrawals.

I’m exhausted. Both mentally and physically. I want to want getting healthy for myself versus getting better just for everyone around me, but it’s hard. Anorexia has been my best friend for so long and I’m honestly not ready to say goodbye, I think… at the same time I never want to be in the ER ever again. So I don’t know…

I guess I’m just tired. Tired of absolutely everything. Long post, sorry. Thanks for reading.