have the OBGYN tomorrow and I’m scared

I tried to post this on another sub but they were… not super kind so here goes

Tomorrow I have my second OBGYN appointment.

At my first one, I cried throughout the entirety of the Pap smear. Bawling my eyes out. I’ve had sex many times, but I don’t particularly like digital penetration. The thought of someone having dexterity up there is… chilling to me, to say the least.

She asked if she could do a pelvic exam, but told me it was entirely my decision and that we absolutely did not need to do one that day. I, still very much crying, said no.

Scheduled my next annual visit. Well it’s been a year and that appointment is tomorrow. I don’t think I’ll need another pap, but based on some symptoms she will want to do a pelvic exam and I am terrified.

I’ve done a lot of research and I know what happens, but the thought of someone going up there and feeling for my uterus and ovaries makes me want to die inside. I can’t even read a description of the procedure without crying.

Any way to get over this or to calm down? I don’t want to be traumatized.