I can't stop thinking about suicide

I can't stop thinking about commiting suicide

I don't know what is wrong with me, I have been struggling with suicidal thoughts since I was a child, but it just feels so selfless to just give up, I'm really tired, I've lost motivation for everything and im starting to have issues maintaining social relationships, everything bothers me and I don't know what to do with this hatred I have against myself, I have tried everything, changing routines, gym, speaking about my feelings, but I just can't overcome the thought of doing it. I'm becoming desperate and I know I won't do it but my head is killing me with all these thoughts, I just want to move on and have a normal life but I just can't possibly stop thinking about it. I don't think I have depression maybe I'm just tired beyond any rest or something like that but I just can't escape my own mind, I have never attempted nor self harmed, which enrages me more because why can't I stop thinking about it knowing I'll never do it? Either way I have this stranger gut feeling ill die young, I can imagine it's because I don't see a future for myself but I don't know what to do, I want to keep living but not feel like I'm forced to, I don't want to keep wasting more time with these damn thoughts that just torture me