im really trying to pretend nothings wrong

on monday i woke up way late, slept in past my first class at 10 and couldn't bring myself to get up for my noon class, and couldnt get up until my 2:30 class. i really thought it was just a mental thing so i tried to ignore it. and then like 2 hours passed and i was so incredibly tired. skipped all my classes yesterday and tried to sleep but i'm still so goddamn tired. today was a bit better, had class at 10 which i didnt really pay attention in, and i was just wiped by the end of my noon class. it's so stupid, i usually have 10 hour days on wednesdays and i'm tired sure, but not dead on my feet after two hours tired.

i keep thinking maybe i'm just being dramatic or like, i'm faking it or something, but then i would've been playing video games yesterday instead of staring at the ceiling.

and im so grateful all my professors and classmates are being nice about it, but i'm also so fucking scared it just. won't get better. it's weird because somethings wrong but i don't feek sick. my heartbeat feels off and my breathing feels wrong and i can't think straight and none of these sound like symptoms from like. a bacteria or virus or something. i'm scared its something complicated and then i have to deal with it.

i know i need to go to like. a doctor but i really hate medical settings and i'm scared they're just gonna tell me to deal with this because if it lasts longer than a week i don't know how i'll ever catch up. i'm scared that i'll have to tell my parents that i need to get bloodwork or need money for a medical thing and then they'll make a big deal out of it, and i know it's stupid but i really want to be the normal one out of my siblings. and i dont want them to make a big deal out of it, but it gets so expensive so quickly.

i dunno, they have same day appointments at the student health center, so i'm gonna try tomorrow and just play it by ear but if i get told that they can't help me i really don't know what i'll do. sometimes i feel like an adult but this week i've felt like a kid. i just want the people i care about to tell me everything's gonna be fine. i'm just gonna keep telling myself to be brave, but i'm just scared and i don't know how to say it to my friends.