thought i was getting better. again.

tw vent

every time i think im getting better I think its true. I was finally happy to be alive, and I felt like I was just going to go up from there. it only takes a few weeks for it to all come crashing down. nothing even happened. my brain just decided to fuck it all up again.

I dont have therapy for another month and a half. I just got a job, and I cant tell if I hate it or not. I just worked my first shift and I already want to quit. not because its stressful or bad or anything, im just scared again. everything feels like it just happens again. and again. and again. again. again.

im so tired of it all. I was doing so good. I thought I would be able to stop sh forever. I thought it would be good again. I dont have therapy for another month and a half. that was my lifeline. that was the only way I could get anything out other than these mindless rants that no one even reads. at least she cared. or at least pretended to. everyone is so fake.

I wish my mom would just love me like a daughter. I was her baby. she said I would be her baby forever. why am I not her baby any more? she lives god knows where and my dad lives with his girlfriend. Im 15. I shouldn't be living alone. I wonder how long it would take for anyone to notice. I hope my math teacher notices im getting bad again because I hope I dont almost resort to suicide again. she saved my life. part of me hopes she does it again. part of me hopes she lets me do it this time.

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