Romanticizing binges

Yesterday I had one of what I call "test binges". To test myself and see if I can completely lose control like I used to.

I have been recovering for the past few years, I still binge occasionally but it's nothing like in the past. The problem is that I have started to romanticize the glorious binges of my teenage years and early twenties, when I felt I was able to completely lose myself in the food and forget about everything for a while. To put it another way, the times when binging really worked as a coping mechanism.

Now it is no longer so effective, but I haven't found anything that can replace it. I have tried journaling, running and other things, but they just don't have the same power. So, when the emotions get too much, I still try to binge, it's like a involuntary reflex at this point. I feel like this is the thing keeping me from a complete recovery.