i am a piece of shit who ruins everything potentially good in my life simply because i think i deserve to live in a constant state of agony

i just feel like i constantly self sabotage myself and prevent myself from ever being truly happy. i have a bad relationship with food, i tell myself i wont binge then i do it over and over again and it causes me nothing but regret and self hatred. i’ve only ever been in love once, before that i just entertained men i didn’t really like. now that that relationship is over i cling onto it and keep reminding myself of it even though that does nothing but stunt my future.