Torn between caring for my spouse and wanting out – fear of escalation

I’m feeling extremely overwhelmed and could use outside perspective.

For context, this is an arranged marriage. We spoke for about four months before getting married. We’re from the same country but different states and fairly different cultures, which has sometimes meant different expectations around work, family involvement, and relationship roles (although all of these expectations were discussed earlier, everything has changed after marriage). I moved to Canada almost two years ago in search of a better life, so our relationship has been developing alongside immigration stress, distance, and the pressure of building stability in a new country.

I can’t travel back easily because my permanent residency process moves faster if I remain here. My spouse and I got married in May last year and have been long distance since, so we’re not even a year in. Despite that, we’ve been stuck in a cycle of emotional ups and downs–blocking and unblocking on WhatsApp and Instagram, fear of losing the relationship, involving parents, and conversations that swing between pleading to stay and saying the relationship isn’t working.

Recently she started a job back home, but less than a week in she’s already saying she can’t continue because she’s worried about our marriage. She says the thought of us separating affects her so much that she can’t focus. The job itself is relatively relaxed and there are no workplace issues–it seems more about anxiety around us. This worries me because we’re planning for Canada, where we’ll likely need two incomes. I’m afraid I’ll end up overworking to compensate, which could create even more conflict about time and attention.

I care about her deeply, but I’m exhausted by the instability. I feel like I’m constantly regulating emotions, solving problems, and thinking about worst-case futures–quitting jobs, pressure to have a child before we’re stable, or escalation if I try to leave.

Another layer is fear around safety. When things get intense, there have been moments where I worry she might harm herself if the relationship ends–or even during conflict. That makes me feel stuck, like I have to choose between my own mental health and making sure she’s okay. I don’t know how to suggest professional help without worrying about how she’ll react.

Families are also getting different versions of the story, which makes everything harder. She has told her mother that I want a divorce, while messaging my mom that trying in the relationship is breaking her and she doesn’t want to continue. At the same time, with me there’s a pattern of blocking/unblocking, pleading to stay, then asking me to leave if I feel we’re not a good match. It’s also been over a month since she has spoken to my parents–they’ve tried calling and texting, she replies to texts sometimes but hasn’t called back despite saying she would.

I’m not trying to villainize her. I know she’s struggling. I’m trying to understand whether this is something that can stabilize with effort or if I’m ignoring signs that the dynamic itself isn’t sustainable.

My questions:

1. How do you know when you’re genuinely done vs just burned out?
2. Is it possible to care about someone and still decide to leave?
3. How do you reduce reassurance and emotional dependency without being cruel?
4. For anyone who left a high-conflict but loving relationship, what helped you make the decision?

TL;DR: Married less than a year (long distance) and stuck in repeated emotional cycles. I care about her but feel exhausted, worried about financial stability if we continue and her safety if things end, and unsure whether this can improve or if it’s time to leave.