Ramble 1

Just gonna ramble like it's a diary because the people who reached out in the past seemed to enjoy it.

My libido has been down. My old posts I tried to be wacky to fulfill a niche that women wouldn't see much, but then as I get to know people, I put myself in situations where I exaggerate a part of myself and then that's all the other person expects of me. That's part of the problem with d/s. I'm more than a sub or a switch. I put my cum stained underwear on one foot at a time like everyone else lol. Anyways... I used to play this creepy guy role, and I met my ex that way. It was too emotionally draining to play the creepy daddy role, let alone the daddy role. Being a little boy, or little girl, or little, just feels so much more natural. I don't like to advertise myself that way because it's a niche I have had trouble getting attention in, let alone love, but it's whomst I'eth am'th. It's who I am.

I remember thinking for a while, that there must be so many more men into the mommy thing than women. I mean, that's what people say. That notion got challenged for me though when I saw that some of the biggest boyfriend audios for mommy domme women have just as many views as the ones for mommy domme admirers, specifically m4f girlfriend audios. I told my therapist my happiest moment was watching porn, or maybe it was mommy domme asmr. I don't know. I've grown detached from my family. I want to make my own family - maybe with me as the only kid lol. Like a shota surrounded by the big boobie hugging too-close hentai women pedophiles. I don't see shota that way, but it is kinda funny and kinda odd when you see the women as pedophiles. I guess because it's so absurd, it's comical.

Recently, I have been thinking about blowing up the moon. My friend said I sounded like I'm in despicable me, but I just have been angy. Angy me has been angy from being swamped with homework. I don't give a fuck about matrices or machine learning or anything related to math or tech. I just want to jerk off, eat pizza, play mewgenics, and maybe scream in my room. The walls are always chinese or japanese-like though. Made of paper, whichever culture it was. There's this blasian lady I want to date but she hasn't responded. For a long time I have been looking forward to talking with her, but she may have deleted the account where I could contact her. C'est la vie. I remember this one reddit comment. "When is it going to be my turn to be happy?" I'm not sure. I haven't even had any women to look forward to for talking to. I miss this one perfect woman, I mean all people are perfect in their own way, but she was intriguing to me because she was addicted to meth. The only person I have ever known addicted to meth is also the person who I have crushed the hardest on. She's autistic like me. She's monogamous though while I'm polyamorous. I've never even smoked weed before, and I don't want to, but I'm addicted to that meth-addicted mommy domme I spoke to several several several months, and we didn't even talk that long, but I - but we called on discord for 70 hours straight. That's my record. I'm tearing up a bit. I miss her, but we can't talk regardless because she's dating her ex. My ex was monogamous.

I have noticed this funny trend. In my head every time I hear that a woman is polyamorous, I expect her to be fat, and my judgy brain just sees and soaks in the confirmation bias every time it happens lol. I like fat women. I just feel they're a-many (disproportional to what percent of women I'm attracted to in a gf bf way who are fat tho). I've been drawn to skinny women a lot because in my head they're goddess-like. They get told they look like holocaust victims though, which is admittedly, pretty funny, but I just feel empathetic to being seen as incable of human desire recipience. I don't think I can justify why me saying the holocaust joke (which my skinny friend was told) is funny, but why someone should be chill with that one thing whereas I'm sensitive to small penis jokes. It's not the body stuff per se, it's the dehumanization that is depressing. I guess those jokes are unfunny to me and so the holocaust jokes would be unfunny to some skinny woman? But, even then, I think years into a relationship, I could see a girlfriend making light hearted small penis jokes at my "expense." The reason it works so well is because she'd say it with a loving or empathetic smile, and I know that she truly would accept me for me. Regardless, I rambled, but I really do feel like for a long time we were all just in silent agreement that skinny women are so so pretty, but apparently not. I'm not here to encourage any eating disorders, but insofar as a person is healthy, I do like a balance between health and skinniness. Skinny women belly is ambrosia in solid form, like ice to water. I feel so amazed because skinny women are like beings from another planet, an atlantis in outer space, but I've been coming down further and further back to earth. I just have a hard time grasping how pretty they can be. I never talked to skinny girls growing up. I feared them because of my attraction. There's just something about the body type that makes me want to squeeze them so hard because they're barely human to me. A humanized skinny woman to love would be nothing short of lovely of course, but knowing her thoughts and her thoughts about me would make me get dysfunctional, i.e. autistic and awkward. Skin so smooth, and empathy so strong, I'm stuck in love with the woman fantasy in my head. Am I psycho and weird? Yeah. The sensualist pleasures of a skinny loving women just get me going I suppose, let alone multiple of them... all at once. I want to know what it's like to cuddle with a skinny woman as a lover.