Can’t deal with being happy anymore

For context, I am a recent victim of SA and hard physical, mental, and psychological abuse. I’ve been free from it for about a year.

Recently, a friend from my class and I exchanged numbers. I sort of like him, he really likes me, we hit it off great. Recently, he’s been more open and vulnerable with me. I really like being open, I appreciate that really quite a lot. I’m the kind of person who wants to communicate on feelings and emotions, and I encourage that for all my friends. It’s just been really out of hand lately.

I’m a happy person, I love being smiley and I always get described as a sunny person. My biggest thing is being open and supportive.

However, because of the recent developments with my friend, I’ve been consistently staying up past 1 AM to comfort him. He doesn’t have other friends to go to, and his parents won’t allow him to get help. He doesn’t open up easily, so I felt honored and helped him happily.

Today was hard for me. Yesterday, he played a trigger song that reminded me of my ex. (The one who abused me), and it brought back hard feelings. So this morning, I was zoning out and being more distant and ran out crying after getting overwhelmed. He sat next to me, but when I didn’t reciprocate talking for a bit, he left. My other friend ended up comforting me.

(For this next part, he had lost his pet recently and is mourning)

Instead, he ran out and cried, I chased him down and he cried in my arms. I took my time with him and I supported him. I don’t blame him for being upset, it was a sweet moment.

But then, I asked to call and we decided to play a game. He watched me play and we talked. He went quiet. I focused more on my game. Turns out he started to cry, and I felt bad. After I went into a comp game, he left and I texted asking what’s up and why he left.

So while I was playing, he began to vent about how he was hurting himself and crying. I felt so bad, and I couldn’t focus on neither him nor my game. I’ve been repeating the same thing to him for the past week, that he’s not a burden and he isn’t annoying, and I like being around him, etc etc. but every day, it reverts back. It reminds me of my ex. I could never please him.

To be honest, doing this every day till 1 am, or even 2 am, is so so draining. I went from happy person to distressed and distant. And he has no one else, no family, no friends, I can’t ask him to get help because he got grounded last time he tried. And I can’t tell him anything because he’s mourning a pet loss. If I lost a pet, I’d want someone to comfort me as much as possible. I can’t imagine the pain.

I’m just stuck, I can’t deal with being happy anymore.