hi, i need advice

I'm going to reddit because I really don't know where else to go. I really want to get better, and I need someone to talk to. I have been struggling for the majority of my life. I grew up in a mentally/physically abusive household, with my mom being the source of most of these issues. I am a teenager now (14F), and my parents are (thankfully) divorced. I live with my dad, with little to no contact with my mother. 

However, the things my mother said to me have impacted my mental health for the absolute worse. I can't find anything I particularly enjoy about myself. My confidence has been at an all-time low for the past year or two. I can't make myself get out of bed most days, and when I get home from school I do nothing but cry. It doesn't help much considering the fact that I don't have many trustworthy friends. The friends I do get close with usually just betray me or talk poorly about my mental health, making me feel worse about it overall. 

The one friend I did have that didn't end up judging me was my best friend for over two years. He ended up in love with me, so we dated for a good while. He ended up cheating on me and betraying my trust entirely. Not only did I lose my boyfriend, I lost my best friend. I had learnt that he had been speaking of my mental health poorly for the near entirety of the relationship, which hurt me deeply. He had claimed that I was his favorite person for the longest time, and that he wouldn't dream of hurting me. Well, he did. This sent me spiraling, and I ended up having to be admitted to a mental hospital for about a week. This did not help me at all. The experience of being there was absolutely horrendous and eventually made me shut down about the way I feel to the people I care about the most. He tries to talk to me at school, but it just doesn't feel the same. He also spoke poorly of me, having to be admitted to the mental hospital, which made me feel even worse about the whole situation entirely. It made me feel ashamed for even having to go. He also said I was a bitch for reacting in the way I did when I found out that he cheated on me (saying this to our mutual friends.) I really miss my best friend. I miss him telling me how much he loves and appreciates me, even if it wasn't real. I think it was real for a while. I just don't know why he would do that to me. I cannot wrap my head around it at all. I sometimes wish I could go back and do it all again, even if things would turn out the same way. I miss it. 

About my self-confidence. From a young age, my peers have called me attractive. A lot of the time, when I tell someone I am insecure; they assume I am lying. I have never been fully satisfied with my appearance, at all. I always must change something. I always pick apart something, down to the last detail. I refuse to leave the house without a full face of makeup on, even if we are just going to the gas station. Even if we are just going in the car for a drive. The thought of somebody seeing me less than perfect sickens me to my stomach. I struggle really badly with peer perception. If I feel like I didn't do good enough on my hair or makeup, I will sometimes refuse to leave my room. I won't let anybody see me until I fix it, or until the next day. I feel so worthless all of the time, but I feel worse if I feel like I look bad that day. I don't know why. 

I hate my personality. I am a very shy individual, who is very timid overall. However, I am very excited and passionate if you get me to trust you (which is really rare.) At the beginning of the school year, I was ridiculed for over a week over my shyness by multiple people in my grade. I was called a pick me, and all sorts of other heinous things. I cried. I cried for a long time. I can't control the fact that I am not good at talking to people. I wish I was. I really wish I was good at talking to people. However, I feel like I have nothing to talk about with them. Every time I do make friends, my mental health becomes the brunt of jokes. It makes me feel so weird. I hate talking. I detest it, even. Every time something leaves my mouth, I always ask why I say it. I feel like I don't really fit anywhere, either. I do have an alternative style, which makes my experience in this overall worse. In arguments with people at school, I get asked if I hurt myself. It hurts me to think that the way I feel is just a joke for most people. I hate the way I feel. Everything in my life constantly changes, but not the way I feel. That always stays the same. I am so miserably sad to the point I question if my existence is a mistake. 

I feel like I don't fit anywhere I go. When I try to talk about the things I like to the girls in my grade, I get weird looks (I'm really into survival horror and writing poetry, for reference.) When I try to talk about things they like, they laugh. When I try to gossip with them, everything I tell them is told to someone else. They adore getting me into drama, for some reason. I don't want to be viewed as a bad person. I never want to hurt anybody's feelings; that's the last thing I would do. I understand how it feels to be sad. So, when other people try to paint me in a certain light, it hurts me a lot. I like being nice to people. But sometimes it just feels like I'm getting walked all over. I cannot do anything to please anybody in my life, and it feels like I am just a failure. 

This is my first time posting to reddit ever, so I am kind of nervous. I would really appreciate your advice. Thank you so much for reading if you have made it this far. :)