The pain of losing your spark

I’d say i’ve officially lost my spark at 17 after loads of attempts of trying to be likeable and accepted being a people pleaser did not help one bit if anything it made everything worse it left me with no personality and no sense of self before that i have tried to be myself but there was no space for that people didn’t approve of outcasts. Now that i’m older and seen things no one should ever see or go through nothing is meaningful anymore nothing exits me and nothing is interesting to me one of the things that changed is i don’t try to impress people and i despise whoever dose that it genuinely irks me to see someone like that because it reminds me of how miserable i was it tells me how much you hate yourself. As of now i am surrounded by people who are younger than me people that i was once in their place i know everyone else’s life is different but we all relatively go through similar stages of life everyone with a their own twist of the story and everyone thinks they got it the worse but i cant help but think that this will never be understood your story will always mean nothing to everyone else and their story will mean nothing to you as well i don’t think it’s meant to be understood though it’s hard to think of the fact that no one will ever comprehend the difficulties and the struggles you’ve been through and the ones you’re going through right now however humans are meant to be shallow and inconsiderate they praise evil and degrade the good. stories of whom are important to you are what matters both of my parents had a rough upbringing their stories are very important to me and their own stories have interrupted my own in a way it has shaped them as people therefore it has shaped me my life and my personality I wouldn’t change anything about it apart from the pain and hurt they felt the lonely cold nights and the grief i feel it all though i didn’t witness it my dad doesn’t talk about his childhood much but i know it’s because of how horrible it was my mum on the other hand dose talk about it a lot but she uses humor to make it feel better. Life is never fair though it is better for others which i’ll never understand. So if you’re wondering why i’m so miserable it’s because i have no life left in me and i have no strength to change that i don’t care how i’m perceived you can think the worst of me and it won’t change a thing.